Posted by muffled on September 27, 2007, at 11:42:02
In reply to OK...here's how it went..., posted by B2chica on September 26, 2007, at 8:39:39
>
> i got scared/freaked out by this session.((B2C))
> well, that kinda did it...the more i tried to stay me...the more she tried to come out. and before i knew it...there she was. this time she was kinda angry too. usually she just sad.*yeah, sometimes its hard to hold 'em back..
> Here's the thing. i kinda got a bit freaked out...cuz...well.
> i blanked out a little while i was her. i mean usually i (b2) know when littleone is talking...i mean i'm present but just not in control.*thats how it is for me as far as I know.
> i just remember littleone being angry about memory...and then i'm me and i stopped crying and looked up at T and she asked me how it felt that she mistook me....(or something like that)
> ???? i didn't know WTF she was talking about...i just gazed at her Scrounging my brain to remember what she meant...i didn't have a CLUE.**oh crap, yeah, maybe I do know bout this but don't weant to think of it. But anyways, scarey.
> She smiled and said it was ok...that what had happened was that she thought i was b2 again (cuz my posture changes when i'm littleone) and my posture changed to b2 and she thought i was b2 and T started talking about littleone and saying "she"...well, littleone was still present and got mad or something and started yelling saying it was still her...and whatever else.
*yup my ikid, *that* one, yeah, she seems to want to be herself too.
> anyway...i didn't remember ANY of this!
> so it REALLY freaked me out...i was blubbering asking her if that meant i was getting worse.
> She thought that what happened...if i remember her words right....was that while i was dissociated as littleone and retelling trauma that it was traumatic retelling and it was So real that 'littleone' dissociated. and that's why i don't remember.* that sounds logical. And if you were shoved right back too(dissociated yourself), then I guess little b2 can dissociate too. I dunno. I just know that initially when I went to T I would not remember entire sessions. I'd remember beginning, or sometimes 'bits', but there were also complete blanks. It was freaky. But at least, as far as I know, I was proly me? or an adult version of me.
I used to have blackouts from drinking, so this 'blanking out', isn't such a freaky thing to me I suppose.
> You talk about Freaking out.
> before she said that i think i was starting to hyperventilate...all i could think about was that i was getting worse. and that letting littleone come out was making things worse.*I not a professional, and I scared to let my T see my people, so I don't suppose I one to talk, but, well, I guess i wonder that myself...whether letting my T see my ikids, whether it'll make them stronger somehow? But then I think, I am so miserable, I guess i bout ready to let them have their say. I dunno. I just know its SO F'ing hard to do :-( And I know I admire your strength and love for your irl kid B2.
> But i did tell her that, when me (b2) is back i feel kinda stupid for the words i say as littleone...but...that it is just SO REAL. and it feels SOOO good to let her talk (like her).*exactly. Its a releif to let them 'be' after containing them so long. But ya, I feel like a freak too. And I have denied and denied ands denied my people, but it IS so. They DO exist. They ARE. Sigh.
> Soooooo, we've decided that maybe for now it is better that little one does the talking. cuz maybe she need to do the talking.
**Maybe you'll come to admire this little one. One of mine I just love, she is a good kid, she really trys to help.
I have one that I am supposed to 'parent', but my other kid told my T in an e-mail that I hate that kid and won't parent her....and its the truth :-(> hey muffy.
> ya i got more than one. mostly little-one comes out in T office. Teen only came out once to her...and old lady never has...but i haven't experienced her in a while either.
>
**Ya I find it confusing, cuz sometimes I dunno where stuff is comming from, WHO its comming from. But I getting better at it.
Hang in there B2.
Great post. Its helpful to me too.
Thanks.
M
poster:muffled
thread:785104
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/785511.html