Posted by Dory on September 24, 2007, at 10:04:44
In reply to Re: i'm gonna puke » Dory, posted by B2chica on September 24, 2007, at 8:43:28
omg... B2, i swear, if i was able to cry i would have. i have not been able to cry in a long time now... but your post was so very moving for me... thank you, deeply, thank you.
throwing up emotionally... i like how you put that. It feels that way. We did end up talking about the "incident" Friday that tied in so strongly to what we had been talking about... the division of self. It really cut me to the bone.. someone at school complained to a mutual friend... complained about the "louder" side of me.. and it hurt so bad... so easily cut down. They all think i can take it because i act so tough and confident. But it is an act mostly. The quiet side hates the louder side and the louder side hates the quiet side... around i go. Either way i end up full of self hatred.
all of this ties into childhood stuff... how i got to be so divided.. not integrated. Painful. Confused. Sad. Can't desscribe in whole sentences.. only words come out.. and not always.
i do write to my T... a lot of it. i post bits and pieces of it here. Sometimes i work out my thoughts here and then write him. SOmetimes i can't give it to him.
Like today... i asked him if he thought it would be useful to ellicite that quiet state.. i can turn the "performance" part on and off in a snap as needed... the off part just being a flat state. But the quiet state, which holds a lot of the feelings, and is key to understanding me and what i have gone through... i can be that way alone... or here... but i can't just *be* that way with someone else unless triggered or under special circumstances... the stage has to be set just right to coax it out.
i know what i need for that to happen... and i told him that. He did think it would be useful to do. But i also told him that i can't ask for what i need, i can't ask for what needs to be there to set the stage. i am too afraid, too ashamed.. rejected, not heard, can't, frightened. no no no. hide. away. no.
see? that is what happens.. i had to stop after the last string of words.. to collect myself and be able to type a sentence again.
i need him to be gentle.. very gentle... he is very good with me, but it is very casual and calm but not emotionally engaged in a way. We connect, but it's not quite what needs to be there for this. He needs to move closer, lean forward or shift his body language... he needs to lower and soften his tone.. he needs to approach me like frightened animal. He needs to approach me as if he could already physically see the pain, fear and shyness. He needs to react as if i had suddenly burst into tears. Gentle, tender. That side of me is so afraid of any sign of rigidity. i need calm tenderness.
can't ask for that. can't.
oh god. what do i do?
> Hi Dory....
> not sure if you left already for your appt. but i hope it goes/went well.
>
> i know how that feels. but all i can say is if i throwup in real life i always feel better afterwards....the same thing if you emotionally throwup. which i've done several times in session.
> it starts to build...i think your body realizes that you are finally at a place where you can and need to start talking about trauma. and it builds up terribly inside...then it gets kinda bottlenecked. then, soon, it explodes...and better this happens IN session than OUT of session. a safe place.
>
> it can be VERY VERY difficult to finally find that release, but maybe think of some ways that might make it easier. everyone is different but sometimes i couldn't physically talk so i would draw out something that signified what i needed to talk about...or i would try to write it out and let my T read it.
> sometimes i told him "here it is" and handed him the paper, but told him..."here it is, i want you to read it, but i don't want to talk about it". then when he was done reading it, i would change the subject to something light like stress at work or something... that way it was out, but i didn't have to 'deal' with it yet.
> its VERY HARD to:
> 1.have realization that trauma was real
> 2.deal with memories
> 3.feel build of bile inside
> 4.get it out
> 5.say it outloud (truly make it real)
> 6.and actually deal with it...talk about it
> 7.sometimes it helps to tear it apart...piece by piece of memory.
>
> i dont know that any of this is helpful.
> but i want you to know that you are going through a VERY difficult time. and i am proud of you that you are seeing T, and trying to get through this. it won't be easy and it usually gets harder before it gets better. but i promise you it WILL get better.
>
> and you are with friends here.
> Keep Posting!
> you are doing great Dory!
>
> and i say no matter what happens in therapy today, you should be extra nice to yourself tonight...eat some icecream, fix some nice hot tea, watch a funny movie...take a warm bath or something you find soothing.
> (((((((((((((dory)))))))))))
>
> b2c.
>
>
>
>
poster:Dory
thread:784800
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/784834.html