Posted by OzLand on August 10, 2007, at 21:33:52
I was so anxious before therapy I could not look at my therapist. Right off he wanted to address the issue I emailed him about re shorting me time and starting late and ending therapy on time. He said first he was not aware he did this, and so my session today was free. That almost made me feel worse; it was not my intent to get a free session.
Then he said he has not yet figured out what it is about. He said it could be some of the things I have said about csa, and even though he is not a rooky, it could be that he has felt put off or felt I raise issues that he feels are difficult for him to handle. By this point I was sobbing which I really hate doing and told him I have felt so horrible feeling like I need him. I don't like that feeling at all.
He told me I had to listen to him (I had closed my eyes), and he kept repeating to listen to him. He said I should not think I will drive him away or repulse him as he is committed to working with me, and we will work through things together. He will work on being more in tuned with what is going on with him too. He told me he is very selective with who he is willing to work with in therapy. And he said he can feel my pain and feelings, and so he feels connected to me. He said I let him know my pain, and he does not want me to be lonely and alone inside.
He also said I can be a crudmdugeion and explained that on the surface I keep him at arms length, but he said that at my core he sees a sweet, caring, and thoughtful person. He said I care about people other people would rather see taken out and shot. He then told me how he volunteers at a Jewish Center doing therapy with indigent people, and this is his way of giving back to the community. He sees I do that too and finds it to be something nice and genuine about me.
I gave him a picture of me when I was age 8 when I tried to hang myself that summer. He said I looked like such a sweet girl. I also gave him a picture of me when I was first married and really thin, too thin--into eating disorder then. He looked at it long and hard, and I could see he recognized I was not just skinny; I looked like someone with an eating disorder. So, I told him I had not eaten since Tuesday. He asked questions about early years from jr high and high school, and I told him about how I used to run 10 to 15 miles per day and hardly ate. He told me that he will set me up with their dietician to do things right as I am correct it will get out of contol again. He said for now eat six snacks a day. I will try. He said I will lose weight but not by not eating, I know he is right. I will end up with a distorted body image again.
I asked him if he disliked me, and he said no he does not dislike me. Of course he doesn't say he likes me either. He talks about welcoming working with me as I am motivated and let him see things, at least a little, about me. He said my faces I make which he laughs at convey more about me nonverbally and what is going on with me.
So, he thinks it is the csa not me personally that may be pushing some buttons. He said the last session on Wednesday he felt very connected to me when I started to talk about some of the sexual arrousal and what seems like abuse in the present and how confusing it is for me as well as upsetting. So, ending early he could see how it felt like he steped on my toes. He talks about the therapeutic frame and all, and I know what he means. I know I am a patient to him and that this does not mean he doesn't care. He has proper boundaries which I do appreciate.
A fantasy could be that he likes me better than all his other patients, but if he were to say yes it's true, I would be freaked and run 100 mile in the other direction. I know maintaining the frame and boundaries is important, and I appreciate he does this. When I hear others talk about therapists who don't do this, I get upset because in the long run it hurts the patient.
So there it is; part of me is now scared of saying anything that might really sound traumatic or horrible. I could see he felt pain for me when he looked at the picture of me at age 8 with another girl. We are holding hands back to back and looking at the camera. I feel really bad looking at that picture, the only one I have come across from the stuff from my mother's house. I still have not unpacked all her stuff from when she died. I know there are many more pictures from that summer after my grandfather died, and we are up in the wilderness.
Thanks to everyone for being supportive. I am rather sad and confused right now. I think I believe him that he won't give up on me no matter what. He has this picture on a book shelf of him and his three daughters who are in their 20's it looks like. I think to myself, I never knew my father growing up and didn't really know what it was like to have a father. So I wonder to myself; what would it have been like to have a father like him who really cares. I've never told him this.
OzLand
poster:OzLand
thread:775400
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070807/msgs/775400.html