Posted by B2chica on August 10, 2007, at 8:00:50
well, had session yesterday...it seems she feels it's really important that i see her every week...so....here i go again.
therapy seems better and worse this time around.
it's better because i'm not this utterly terrified person with all these constant flashbacks and depression and confusion. i'm aware of my abuse now...it's not a horrible surprise, and though there are new memories now and again, i think i have most of it back.
its worse because, well, honestly, before i could dissociate really...REALLY well, and now i don't seem to as much..i know i should be thankful that i don't cuz it used to scare me sometimes, but i guess it was kind of an escape for me. and now i actually have to DEAL with these emotions and stuff.yesterday i went in thinking ok, i have this memory we're going to talk about and i'll be very 'matter of fact' about it, no tears etc. i even told her i didn't feel like crying about it and i felt bad/wrong about that, she said it depends why i dont' cry. if it's because i can talk about it without crying because i've 'dealt' with it they great, but if its because i don't want to experience emotions around it then...not so good. -i said it was the latter :)
anyway, i stalled for a while then finally started talking about it and it took...oh...at most 5 min. before i started tearing up...crying etc.
sometimes i want to just HIT myself for doing that. i get SO ANGRY at myself when i cry over what 'HE' did to me... i also feel that "i shouldn't be crying..it wasn't that bad..."but it did go fairly well, i think some emotions were really scaring me as i had my ocean wave wash over my brain a few times. and i TOTALLY forgot what i said or even what we were talking about...feel like such a fool sometimes.
BUT i felt REALLY good that i am ACTUALLY telling her what is going on in my head. so instead of covering and saying...oh, i was thinking of something else, or i was spacing out or i just forgot...i told her that i got upset and i had a 'wash out'. she helped me walk back to get where i was.
which i've never had anyone do that before...
...you know. i'm beginning to think she actually cares a bit. and my getting through this is important, and my well-being.Funny End...
i was in such a rush to get out of my T's office yesterday i left my keys and sunglasses there...it took me over 5 min. before i even realized this...went back and they were out on the counter in waiting room (thank goodness)....i'm still a little raw from yesterday, but i think ok.
poster:B2chica
thread:775224
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070807/msgs/775224.html