Posted by TherapyGirl on August 2, 2007, at 19:39:46
In reply to Wish me luck (or something), posted by TherapyGirl on August 2, 2007, at 6:41:06
So it went fairly well. I'm worn out and I have some processing to do, but I think it was okay.
Here's what she said (keeping in mind that she said it better than I'll be able to write it up):
She said if she had to guess, she would guess that I was sexually abused when I was very young (pre-verbal) by my mother. She said she thinks my mother could have done this based on the abuse I do remember from her and that she would have picked me because I was the only girl. So that was the first layer.
The next layer is that she thinks the constant emotional abuse and regular physical abuse got all enmeshed with my sexual identity (not sexual preference, but when you are figuring out that you're a sexual being and you have sexual parts). She talked for a while about all the identity things that happen when you are 3ish to 5ish -- figuring out your place in the family, figuring out that you are a good person and people like and respect you (or the opposite in my case due to the abuse), figuring out all that stuff. She thinks that identification process went "underground" with me because of the abuse. She said I got out of it as well as I did (which is not all that well, if you count the 22 years in therapy, LOL) because I was "spirited" and still am. She's never said that to me before. And it makes me a little bit proud. My mother called me dumb, stubborn, fat and a lot of other things, but never, ever appreciated my "spiritedness."
Anyway, she said she thinks that the gynecological exams are bringing forth my inner 3-year-old and that the feeling that the doctors aren't listening to me (or don't care) when I say how painful it is and the lack of power I feel in that situation AND the abuse/sexual identity/possible CSA are all mixed in to produce my over-the-top reaction.
Then she said she didn't think it was necessary for us to delve into the past to try to recover memories or "deal" with possible csa. She thinks we can work on my responses in the present, as in getting me to stand up for myself and demand medication before pelvic exams and speaking up. Of course, to do that, I have to share my abuse history with the doctors and I can't quite picture that right now. But she says we'll work on it.
We were about 30-35 minutes into the session at this point and she asked me if I wanted to stop or keep going. I looked at her and said, "There's MORE????" She laughed and said not really and she thought it was a good place to stop if that felt okay with me.
So we spent the last 20-25 minutes talking about lighter things that are going on at work (I'm getting a promotion) and about my work crush. It feels okay.
And it also feels okay that she will be gone next week. It may be a different story when I go to bed tonight, but right now it's okay.
Thanks again for the support guys.
poster:TherapyGirl
thread:773489
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070726/msgs/773615.html