Posted by Honore on August 1, 2007, at 10:09:37
In reply to What happened, posted by jammerlich on August 1, 2007, at 8:38:29
Jammer, I'm so so sad this is how she responded.
I really feel terrible that your T wants to keep the boundaries "firmer" this time. But I get upset when I hear you turn that on yourself. It's not true; it's not right-- and it's damaging to your heart and spirit. I don't want you to do that to yourself.
It's where you say-- "now, she sees it as something I asked for that was a bad thing, and it's turned into something ugly"--
This just isn't true. I wish for your sake, you didn't feel that. She's not saying it was a bad thing; she's not saying it was wrong. What she's saying is that she personally, for whatever reason, now doesn't feel comfortable doing it; or fears that it wasn't in your best interest. I don't know the reason for that.
What I know is that you're making a false equation, between what she is doing now=what is "right" and if you want or need more,you're bad and must be ashamed and feel horrible about yourself; and worse than that, no one will ever be able to meet your endless and bottomless horrible needs. None of that is true.
This is all about one person. Maybe it fits in with your history and that pain that you carry from earlier times. But what she's doing now is what SHE needs given her limitations and the situation overall.
Her limitations do not define what's good or bad; they just say what she, in her heart, can handle. What she can handle is only that-- what one person, with her history and her strengths and flaws, can do--now.
Not what is good, or right, not what you're allowed to feel. Please remember that, if you possibly can. You're more than okay. You're a very good person, who has needs that deserve to be met, and struggles that deserve to be respected and engaged with.
I do think she respects you; she just isn't able to give you what you need.
I know what she's said hurts terribly. I don't mean to that you shouldn't be hurting and that this isn't painful and disappointing and a very big loss of the hopes you had/have for this relationship.
Where I want to put a red flag, is only where you say that she's saying you were bad, or that, beyond that, that you are bad-- I don't believe she's saying that-- or that she's saying that her memory that you asked means it was wrong to ask. It's not that important who asked. Her gesture was warm and real and human. She just isn't sure that she can do that now-- and that's what very sad.
And moreover, although it matters tremendously how she feels about it-- because it is what you need-- what's sad is only that-- because I can tell you, your needs aren't bad, or unfillable. You will find the right T. Even if it takes time and is hard. Even if it isn't this woman, whom I know you care very much about.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:773092
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070726/msgs/773265.html