Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 18, 2007, at 11:13:32
In reply to Re: Okay, I tried to stay away ** *triggers***, posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 0:58:47
> Maybe I shouldn't post my real thoughts. Maybe I should just walk away and hide. Nobody really understands what kind of childhood I went through, nobody really understands how that feels. You can't put it into words or emotions. It is too big to explain. The world really doesn't want to really know where I have been. The world has been a very cold place for me, I don't trust it anymore. I am tired of fighting for happiness. It is so easy to see fakeness, when you have lived with somebody how was. Nobody knew the evil that lurked in her mind. Nobody could help me, I was doomed. I am really tied of people taking life for granted. Some have had so much, and to just give a little would mean so much to others. But it seems life is about helping only ourselves. Living like a trapped animal, hardly no food, painful torture, never feeling safe, that is what happens to children every day. I know how it feels, but the majority of people don't. They really don't want to either. It is easier to ignorant. Life shouldn't always be so hard.
Real thoughts are the only thing that matters here, as long as they're civil.
Nobody will ever be able to crawl inside your head and relive the types of experiences you had. I'm so sorry that we have things in common. I know that words and emotions are empty substitutes, but for what, exactly? I recently made a list of things that I was scared of, and then the fear that was under that, and under that. Fear of termination, fear of being rejected. Fear of abandonment. Fear of neglect. Fear that I'm not loved. Fear that I am expendible. Fear of not being worthy of living. Fear of death. etc. And when I got to the root of it all, I was crying, because it was the TRUTH, as I knew it and felt it.
I've seen a few different aspects to your person, and I feel like I'm privileged to know you in this way. There is the part of you that is depressed and hopeless right now, but there is also the part that is wildly optimistic every time you get a glimpse, a taste, of freedom. There is the part of you that is dead, and will never love or cherish your husband; but there is also the part of you that shares and intense and true love for your children; a part of you that has a desperate fear of your mother and her sadistic cruelty... Many parts of you.
I think that it's no wonder that you find yourself in inner conflict, not knowing when to run, when to hide, when to love, when to avoid.
You are right that the majority of people won't understand you, but that doesn't mean that we can't CARE about you, right here, right now. Some days it is easier to ignore the victim, because it is easier to ignore the victim than acknowledge the evil that is present next door.
I'm sorry I didn't get to this earlier. I have to save my energy sometimes, because I don't feel like I'm useful or supportive many days. It's all I can do to care for myself. That's a kind of selfishness, but more importantly, self-preservation.
I agree with the other posters that you're likely having a lot of unanticipated and confusing thoughts related to termination, related to your marital situation (does it mirror the termination process?) and without the structure and distraction of school it becomes more intense and occupies more of your mind's space.
Depression is pain, and I'm so sorry that this is happening. ((((((((kindcaringgentlehugs)))))))))
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:762539
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070612/msgs/763908.html