Posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 17:06:40
I figured I should have started my own thread about this, again, I'm sorry llurpsienoodle for leeching onto yours. And thanks Daisy for your kind and comforting words.
> I just told my T last week that I thought the end of the summer semester was an appropriate time to terminate. It just feels right, and there are also practical reasons for that time. We had set a date previously, but that turned out to be premature, so I get to go through the grief of termination for a second time now.
>
> It's grief, no doubt about it. And whenever I think about it without immediately distracting myself, I start to bawl. I haven't yet really told my T how I feel about him and what it's all meant. I've tried some. But it's huge. It's really huge, and I don't know that I can do it without breaking down completely. I know he'd be okay with that, but I don't know that I would be. It's too terrifying. Plus, if he offered a hug, which I have no idea if he would or not, I'd worry that I'd get snot all over his shirt. Isn't that stupid? Of course I also worry that I'd have a hard time letting go.
>
> I know that he wouldn't judge what I'd say to him, or make fun of, brush off, or any of the other fears I have related to rejection. I KNOW he wouldn't, but yet I still fear it. And what I would "offer", my caring, my vulnerability, ME essentially, is so huge and so important. It's such a damn risk.This stupid fear of rejection is so pervasive. I realized the other day, it's even affecting me making the gift I plan to give him at the end, the "parting gift" as I call it. :) I've been obsessing over colors and patterns and such until I finally just stopped thinking about it. I realized that I tend to do this whenever I'm making something for someone else that I care about. I don't follow through. I thought it was just laziness or avoidance, but I think it's that freeze thing again. If I don't do it, it can't be judged, right? Bah.
>
> And to top it all off, when I told him the date and he agreed, he told me he had to have surgery in a couple weeks, and he will be out for 2-4 weeks. Not long after he's back and just before termination he goes on vacation for two weeks. So we both said at the same time, "that doesn't leave us very many sessions at all." And that feels like rejection or abandonment deep down, too. At least I think that's what's behind the sobbing about that. Sigh. And then today I had to ask what his surgery was. I just had to ask. Stupid me. Because now I'm all upset about that, too.
>I can't believe I have to go through all this with these big gaps in my attendance. I know it's not his fault, and I'm not mad at him, at least I don't think. But I feel despairing and terribly sad and such. It's another loss or another part of loss.
Anywhoo, I could really use some hand-holding or something. Because crying alone sucks, though you have less chance of getting snot on anyone else, I guess.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:761688
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/761688.html