Posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 12:42:15
In reply to how'd it go? (nm) » Happyflower, posted by muffled on May 23, 2007, at 10:32:15
Thanks for thinking of me. I took two xanax last night, and I went to sleep at a good time, and got about 8 hours. It was so hard I was crying all morning and when I parked my car in the garage to go see my T , I threw up right there, and this guy I work out at my gym,(that uses the same parking garage) a local newsancher saw me. Talk about embarresing, but I told him I just didn't feel well, and I was really okay. He got me a cloth at the gym and a bottle of water. Never have I started a session like that.
I didn't have to wait which was good, but when I saw him I lost my voice and couldn't even talk, I tried to talk and out came squeaks. He really really was looking at me because I was tearing up and finally all I could get out is give me your trash can in case I puke. He didn't waste anytime with that request. He waited until I talked. It was so hard. He really got serious with me because he could tell I was really stuggling. I usually am in a good mood when I see him and talk quite freely.
I first told him it was hard to say (this was all sqeaks)because I thought he would be disappointed in me for doing so bad and I am diapointed in myself becuase I want to be better but I am not. Then I told him I think I am depressed, and why, some things I haven't even said on Babble. He asked me what meds I was on, and asked me what I wanted to do. He thought maybe the pain pills (which I am not taking) were making me feel sick. He asked me again if I was taking the vicodin, I said no. I don't like to take pills.
I said I think it is situational depression, not really physcial. He agreed. Normally he talks a lot, but this time he was really listening to me, letting me take my time. I told him how much physical pain I am in after chiro therapy, he had no idea of how bad it has gotten. Plus it is costing out of my pocket 1200 a month until I can settle up with the insurance co. It had caused some major financial problems (tempory), but BIG ones. Well I am a good actress, I don't want anyone to worry about me.
I said I know what the damn signs of depression are of depression and I know what to do to help, and I have been trying, fighting, and I seem to be losing the battle. He asked me what I think I should do about it. I said I wasn't sure.
But then he asked how I did on my finals, and that went off in a long tangent about my future. I did tell him I changed my major officially. We talked about this, but I think he was trying to distract me. My mood did improve while talking about it. Okay distraction is good, maybe he was gageing how depressed I was, maybe. I mean if he couldn't get me to improve my mood, then I would be really seriously depressed you think? Was he checking that? But I guess I shouldn't be second quessing him.
Okay, I know I am probably leaving a lot out, my head is sort of spinning here. But you will never believe what he did. I wanted to die right there in the chair. Well he played back the message I left him yesterday! The one where I was asking him was he really that busy, or did he just not want to see me. Man, oh, man! He asked what was that all about? He asked me if I thought he was lying. I said no, but I told him that I thought we was being busy to keep me from being to dependent on him and forcing me to wait longer in between sessions. Then he said, so you think I have lied to you. He went on to say that he doesn't lie to me, he was busy and filled up. He seemed to be really bothered by that. He said if he thought I was getting to dependent on him, he would have told me directly, not play games with me. Wow, did I feel like a slug. He didn't seem angry, but he wanted me to know he isn't lying to me. I said I was sorry. He accepted my apology.
Then he said I have an appointment for next week, do I want to keep it. I said yes, feeling kinda scared, thinking he will say no. But he said okay. Thankgoodness. I kinda feel bad that I made him mad about not believing him. But he seems okay with it, but I still feel kinda of guilty. But I do feel better for getting everything off my chest. He said we would contine talking about his next week.
I feel relieved right now that I do have an appointment. I do need him right now, things are really bad (situational stuff). I lot of my happiness it being threatened by a lot of sh*t. It scares me, but I hope I can get through it. One of those major, very major things I will know by next week. That would take a lot of pressure off me. Well I feel like I need a nap. I feel so drained.
I am glad I have my T to talk to. I didn't even get to what fun I had last weekend. The time seems to go too fast in session. But at least I have my next week to hold on, I think I can do that. But I have to try to do something productive everyday until my next session. I think I will weed my flowers today and I put a roast in the crock pot. I have to keep fighting, but now at least I know I am not alone.
poster:Happyflower
thread:758780
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/759046.html