Posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 16:23:29
no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try. i can't post details because it's not safe to do so on the board.
i am trying so very hard to sort this crap out. i am trying so hard to make a life for myself, a life that works in some kind of "normal" way, not this freak show i have been living. It's a nightmare and i can't wake up. Why won't it stop? please dear god someone make it stop..
my biggest fears have no answers that i can find... i am terrified of losing my T. i was infatuated with the old one, and i was clinging to him..... but this guy knows his stuff and he said he believes he can help me... ME! i have become attached because he gives me hope that i have not had. The old T was an outlet and i needed that then, but this guy gives me HOPE. i have lived without hope for so long. i have NO idea how to hang onto him but i HAVE to. He is my symbol right now and i have to keep that.
but how?
i am putting out resumes like crazy. Not getting any response. i am now putting in for jobs i know i can't keep long.
i am terrified. COnstantly terrified.
my apartment is more than i can afford but i can't move. This is not a dog friendly city and i am physically unable to move myself.
what i need is a job. it doesn't have to be fancy.
outside of my T i have no support system... my pdoc is there, but i can't talk to him about this stuff... he is so logical and stuff... he would not understand my terror. Once T goes away next week i won't have much choice.
i am so scared.... my head goes in circles until i can't take it and then i take something so i can sleep. WHen i wake up i take more.. and i increase the dose. Sometimes i no longer care if i wake up, i just want to stop being scared.
i sat on the floor and screamed silently. i don't have tears anymore. Either there are too many to allow them to flow or i have none left. Probably the latter as i have spent many hours sobbing over the last year.
what am i doing wrong? why can't i get this right? what is the choice to make that i am neglecting? i don't mean about H.. i mean about being able to construct my own life.
all my life people tell me i am smart and i have potential/talent/whatever. i have an education. i work hard. Can't do the work i am educated in anymore physically. So what good does any of the rest of it do? No one will hire me. i don't get replies. Grunt work at min wage wouldn't pay the bills even if they did hire me. i'm going to end up on welfare or something. How will i feed my babies?
if i am so f*cking smart and everything WHY CAN'T I FIND A WAY OUT OF THIS?????
why does it all have to hinge on what someone else does? why can't i find a way to make it my choices?
somebody please make this stop. please..
my eyes are burning and there are no tears. my head is throbbing and my heart aches. i feel sick.
i can't keep living like this.
it all turns on it's head in an instant. All out of my control.
poster:gazo
thread:757852
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/757852.html