Posted by 10derHeart on April 13, 2007, at 14:38:50
I left still actively crying, I mean, more than sniffles, you know? And that has never happened before. And while he wasn't mean or actually dismissing me or anything, he just....wasn't *anything.* So calm and neutral, almost like this happens every day. Or, "nothing can phase me." Cr*p, that's not what I needed to see in his demeanor.
I guess our timing just s*cked. We chatted about other members of my family, and then about a mutual hobby for 3/4 of the session, and then I decided to answer a question of his and became so emotional in the last 15 minutes. Well, hardly 'decided to,' as I was totally surprised by the sudden outpouring.
Ironic like you wouldn't believe, too, because I'd just finished babbling on about how I'd left my emotional self somewhere else today, and was telling him things in a dispassionate, cognitive way. And that I hated that, really, because it meant in a few hours the feelings will catch up...and slam! I'll once again be alone in feeling whatever scary, sad stuff comes up. Not a minute later I'm talking with tears flowing down so steadily I had stains on my shirt later. Sheesh.
Anyway, there's kind of a lot to this, and I'm not sure what to post, or how to even describe how I am now. A bit lost, mixed with ashamed, mixed with disappointed. Not about the crying there - that's what I do. But more because I sent him a really odd email 2 hours later that I wish I could take back. I'm not comfortable disclosing the subject here, but I told him something that for me, is even more private than what we'd already been talking about during the session (body image, weight, self-loathing) And I kind of put my heart into the email and waited.
Well, he answered, as he always does, but briefly, because I'm not *supposed* to email him in a way where I'm trying to continue therapy through the email. We agreed on that 1.5 years ago because he felt he just couldn't work that way and be true to himself as a T. and to what he thinks is better for me.
So that's okay in general, but...I still slip and email him once or twice a month, or when worried he's not okay, or very upset. And usually there's some warmth in even his shortest answers. Something personal, anything to make me feel like he heard "me."
Not this time :-( He wrote "Thanks for sharing that." Yuk, yuk and more yuk. Hate those phrases and he knows it. Why didn't he just send back a giant yawn? Or say, "That should have waited until next time." Sure, maybe I'm projecting, but I don't care. {stamps foot}
I don't even know what the heck is the matter now.
Or maybe I do. I had to leave, but wanted to stay and be hugged (not that we do that - we don't) or at least patted on the back - anything, really. I don't mean anything more than desperately needing to be comforted by physical touch, some day, again, by someone who cares about me. I know that can't be too much to want, but somehow it seems too needy and too much. And I likely won't get it from him, and maybe if I ever did, it would screw up our therapy, true, but part of me is.....well, I'm starving here.
And with each passing hour, remembering how I explained this private thing in my email, I am mortified I let him read that. Why didn't I follow that voice that kept telling me to calm down a few more hours before sending it?
This digging deeper and doing harder work stuff is HARD. blek :-(
poster:10derHeart
thread:749541
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/749541.html