Posted by jammerlich on April 7, 2007, at 9:29:03
In reply to Re: Difficult T this week » jammerlich, posted by Jeff Smith on April 7, 2007, at 7:45:16
Thank you all for reading and for your kind words. Sometimes I feel like such a bore and like I don't really have anything to contribute here. But, I do know that people here understand more than anyone else and I thank you for reminding me of that time and time again.
Ok, so here's what happened at the end of the session. For anyone who didn't read about it, I was supposed to meet with her Tuesday; but, called and cancelled just before the appointment. I'd also called last week for her and and, by the time I actually talked to her, just wanted to wait until Tuesday to talk about it. Anyway, at the end of the session she brought up how I'd cancelled, without giving any kind of explanation, and how, given that I'd called the week before she was concerned. I asked how she'd prefer me to handle it, and she said to give the secretary a reason because based on what I'd said (which was "I'm not going to be able to make my appointment") she didn't "know what that means."
Ok, I do have a little problem with that; but, generally, it's not a big deal. But, she didn't stop with that. She went on to say that when she saw me before (meaning before she terminated me for not taking AD's), she'd call and she didn't "want to get into all that again." THAT is what really upset me because it felt like she was saying *I* had done something wrong back then. And you know what? I never ASKED her to do that. That was something SHE started. And since it was her thing, I'm not sure why she felt the need to even mention it Thursday.....unless she thought *I* was somehow to blame.
The other thing it makes me think about is how things are not at all the same this time... the impersonal part, for lack of a better word, and whether any of that is coming from her. I guess I think it could be evidence that she is, indeed, holding back or being "different." Other little things that didn't used to happen....she's nearly always 10+ minutes late bringing me into her office, sessions are often less than 50 minutes, she's taken calls during my session. Those things were rare before and she NEVER took a call the first time around.
I know I'm probably overly sensitive because I have been terrified since Day One that she'd terminate me again if I made a misstep. So, I've held back myself; but, I've also been looking closely to see if she's the same. And she's not. Not at all. I didn't always want to go the first time around; but, at least when I was there, I didn't feel quite so alone. Now, I feel pretty much on my own, even in her office. Well, that's how I feel all the time and I can do that for free.
Most of this I didn't say on the phone. All that was said is what I wrote in my first post. As for my telling her I'd prefer to know if she didn't like working with me, she said that was not the case at all. That she had full choice when I called asking to come back; and, that she was glad I was checking it out with her. I guess I still wonder whether she regrets that decision at all. That's probably another question to ask; but, I'm not sure I have that much more courage. And I'm sure a "normal" person would have been assuaged with "that's not the case at all."
And as far as my thoughts about leaving a reason for cancelling with the secretary or answering service (the only options there are), I'm not sure whether to say anything about that, either. If that's where I'm leaving the message, I'm always going to say something reassuring, even if it's not true. It's not like I'm going to tell someone with whom I have no relationship that things are really bad or that I'm feeling suicidal or whatever. I can't promise I'd be completely honest if I were telling my T; but, it's definitely more likely.
poster:jammerlich
thread:747333
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/747808.html