Posted by widget on March 16, 2007, at 12:48:26
Yesterday, I hit my bottom. I realize I have a transference toward my psychiatrist but I also insist these feelings are mixed with REAL feelings of affection, love, etc. Sorting them out is going to be difficult. I'm sure I will with time.
But, the worst part was when I said "I am more attatched to you than you are to me." He sadly and slowly shook his head yes. I am devestated. And, I wasn't expecting him to have a sexual relationship with me, just to be more than another patient to him. It hurts incredibly. I started to cry, which is unusual for me in session, I think because I want to look ok so he WILL be more attatched to me, or attracted to me. But, all bets are off now. There is nothing I can do to make him care more for me. This is exactly like it was with my father, except my father was mean and really scary. But, my psychiatrist is warm, caring, empathetic, unconditionally accepting of me. I guess his wonderful behavior triggered an expectation in me that, aha, I could be loved. And, he makes it harder saying things like I am truly lovable (so, why don't you love me? Haven't you just contradicted yourself?) He said I was a diamond, unrecognized by my family especially as a child. So, they threw the diamond onto the trash heap. And, he came along and recognized the diamond. That I am truly diamond quality. But, he's not available to me in even the most nonthreatening way. The truth that came out is that he just doesn't have special feelings for me. I have been dancing around that feared admission for 8 months. I have been incredibly creative in reading into his statements some message of his special feelings for me. And, I have been so wrong!! What a fool! I am brokenhearted. I am broken. He wants to see me twice a week but there are no appointments and he thinks he can make it happen. I don't believe it will. I am not a suicidal person but I wonder why not? What's it matter? I guess I was happier in my delusional state than with reality, although I was extremely frustrated.
I feel betrayed and as if I have been tricked.I have bought and read numerous books on the therapy process which I am tempted to just give or offer to him because they have done me no good.
I guess I want to make a gesture to let him know how dire things are, truly they are. Like putting the books in his trashcan. Surely, I can do better than that. But, I give up in a way.So, things have changed in therapy for me. He said we would ultimately make a list of my wish/fear combos and then, address them so that I could meet my own needs. That instead of looking for someone to fill my emptiness left by my dad, I would fill those needs myself. That was about as appealing as eating a bowl of worms. I just looked at him. I said, "So, you will be like a car mechanic for me?" He said, oh no. But, that is what it feels like. Stay in the here and now, he says. It sounds so mechanical, so boring and hard. Why can't I ever get someone to meet at least some of the developmental needs I never, never had met when it WAS appropriate to get them met?
NO FAIR! Because, I had a loser father I get cheated over and over again. But, hey, its reality, right? I feel bitter, I feel broken, I feel really angry, I feel the death of hope.So, I've been a fool. I allowed myself to become attatched (the supposed goal of therapy) and it took 3 1/2 years, to become exquisitely vulnerable, totally honest about my feelings for this man and for what? To learn to give it up. To walk away from it. Was it better when I was numb? It was safer. And, I thought my feelings were my friends, ha!
I cry a lot. I am so very sad. There is no hope nor way out. Thanks for reading this long post, Widget
poster:widget
thread:741611
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/741611.html