Posted by gardenergirl on March 12, 2007, at 1:50:48
In reply to Bad session. Lost my safe place! (long), posted by gardenergirl on April 18, 2005, at 9:20:00
Last week I had a truly awful session. I've been feeling terrible since--poor appetite, disturbed sleep, serious crying jags the first few days after, zoning out and ruminating about it....
It feels so much like this time I wrote about 2 years ago that I went back to find this post. Lord, it's so very similar. He was talking over me and interrupting, only this time it was to chide me for being "stuck" in my emotions versus using my rational mind. Nice twist, eh? We spent a lot of time talking "at" each other versus "to" or "with" each other. And he seemed so darned impatient. You know, I was getting to the same stuff he was saying, but I didn't get to get there before he jumped in and started "challenging" or whatever the hell he was doing.
And then I was trying to talk about this one issue/dynamic I have where I dread and fear others' negative judgment so much that it can paralyze me. This is a big factor in why my D-word is still undone. So I'm saying how bad it would feel if I were "wrong" or made a mistake (I know, it's crazy thinking...), and he jumps in and is all critical and judgmental about that. At least it felt that way. And because I respect him, care for him, and want his approval, obviously way more than I realized, it was that exact dynamic going on right in the moment. He jumped right into the very issue I was trying to work through with both feet, and then stomped around in it as if it were some really cool mud puddle. I realized this in the midst of it, and being someone who has actually made some progress in therapy (not that he seems to think so---agh, I know that's not true but it's what it felt like...) I tried to extricate myself from that dynamic. But he wouldn't shut up!!!!!!!
AAAAGGGHH!
And to top it all off, he's out of town for three days next week, including my usual day. He made some small effort to schedule me later in the week, but then just said, see ya next Monday. This is after we already had a week off between sessions due to this same sudden trip, which apparently was postponed. Of course he didn't call me to let me know it was postponed. I just lost a week of therapy then, too.
It's so damned hard to sit with these feelings for two weeks. I should be going in tomorrow. I feel a bit better, and I am viewing the whole thing more rationally to some extent. But it sucks. By the time I do get to see him, talking about it will feel artificial. Water under the bridge. Plus, I know from experience he will not know what I'm talking about and will not even pause to consider whether he had any responsibility or role in the session going south. I hate that.
And I go back and forth between anger, sorrow, and shame. At times I feel totally stupid for this reaction and its intensity. Bah.
I was getting ready to start making the gift I have planned for him for termination. It means a great deal to me. I'm not feeling the love at the moment, so it's going to have to wait now.
This just sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks.
Oh, and did I mention he was 25 minutes late for the session and didn't apologize or explain? All he said when I sat down was, "Can you stay ten minutes past?" I think he forgot about the appt. since it was not our usual day. I'm his first appt of the day, and there are times he's late. I'm late too, so I understand, but this was ridiculous. Between that and the scheduling issues, it feels a lot like, "Oh it's just GG. She won't care. She'll understand."
F him. Lord, I can't imagine even coming close to saying that to him.
Okay, getting myself stirred up again when I need to be getting to bed.
Thanks for reading.
namaste
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:485802
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/740333.html