Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 4, 2007, at 23:20:02
Sorry all, haven't been posting or replying. I have to share a DSL line with another. She is doing more important things than I am.
In short- I've been changing my meds. i feel like complete crap. been waking up at 6am everymorning. been feeling near-constant panic for several hours a day.
my body is exhausted, and my mind is spinning faster and faster.
I had a very significant dream this am. I know it was significant because I remember it so vividly, and because it is the first time ever that I've had [new]T be a presence in my dream.
My T is older woman. Very warm and nice and cozy.
In my dream, the session started out like I was a patient for a gyno exam. T was there, and we just had a talk therapy session. I noticed that she had a tray left over from the previous client. I knew the previous client, because I had been "her" as if eavesdropping through her eyes and body. I knew exactly what went on, how she and my T had discussed her promiscuity and boy problems, and how T had given her a hormone shot so that she wouldn't have to worry about getting pregnant while she was still working on feeling better about her promiscuity & sex life. Back to My Session. After mentioning this to T, T told me about the young client earlier, and how she had been giving her some gyno therapy. I was getting more and more agitated, and soon I was crying, and it was time to go, and I was getting dressed and wondering why my T didn't seem to notice how triggered I was by this discussion. I told T how lucky that young woman was, to have T helping her. That I was so sad and jealous that I didn't have anyone helping ME at that age, and around those topics.
I fell on the floor of T's "office" and she knelt down next to me and spread something soft and silky on top of me, like a comforter covered in charmeuse, and then gave me a hug, a deep hug, and I felt like I would be able to heal with my T's embrace.
****
So, in emailing this story to my T, I felt the urge to describe why it was so meaningful to me that we were in a gyno setting. I described my first gyno exam and the disaster THAT was, and how I've not been able to come to terms with accepting myself. I've not forgiven my mother in her role in my first gyno exam. She was really really cold to me. hurt me.
****
And I wonder and worry. What else is hiding there? I think about mky first gyno exam and the words that were said and how I should interpret them? Why can't I access what I need to access to complete these nmemories?
my eyes can't focus no more.
bedtime
night
peACE ALL
send me something warm. I miss you all. i wish i felt better.
-Ll
poster:Llurpsie_Noodle
thread:729839
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/729839.html