Posted by wishingstar on January 19, 2007, at 19:44:30
In reply to my insides feel out.., posted by youngaddict on January 19, 2007, at 17:52:02
> i am looking for someone (ie her) to save me and she can't. i have a disease called addiction and i am a drug addict. and i have to do something about it or whats the point of therapy? i mean its wasting time right if all i do is get high and not try to change. ??
>
>I cant even count the number of times I have said this myself. In fact, I used that very line to allow myself to leave the partial hospitalization program I was in a few months back. I can relate to how you're feeling.
But my T at the partial program... I didnt know him well, but we talked about that issue several times. I dont know much about your history, but I imagine there's a reason therapy is so scary. Those arent really the words I want, but I cant find the right ones. A reason that you fear she hates you, fear she'll abandon you, fear etc etc. Perhaps you've had some bad experiences in the past with people hurting you? My T from partial would say that it makes sense that you're afraid to change. That it'd almost be stupid in a way to walk in to therapy and on day 1, say "okay I'm ready! tell me how to change and whatever you say, I'll do it!" because 1, why would you trust the T to make that judgment? 2, why would you trust her not to abandon you or hate you or any other thing people naturally guard themselves against in relationships? and 3, if it were as easy as "just tell me what to do and I'll do it", none of us would be in therapy. I'm sure you're a smart person and some part of you knows that getting high isnt what you want to be doing. But it's just not that easy. There are always costs and benefits to every action, and that includes getting high. It takes time to make the benefits of stopping outweigh the costs. And if you're afraid that your T isnt supporting you, is mad at you, hates you, etc I imagine you dont feel completely supported by her in this venture. Sure, she wants you to stop, but do you feel completely safe with being 100% real with her (even if that involves saying you're doing "bad" things)? I'm picturing a little kid who is trying some big task for the first time, with the parent there saying "okay do it! but dont tell me if you fail". From what you've said, it doesnt sound like she's terribly comforting when you're using. Not that she should encourage it of course.
I realize I'm rambling and that was all 1 big paragraph. It was really just off the top of my head, and I made a lot of assumptions about you, your T, and your situation, some (or all) of which may not even be correct. Feel free to correct me. But maybe some little piece of that monster paragraph will resonate. I hope so.
You're not alone in this.
poster:wishingstar
thread:724145
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/724177.html