Posted by littleone on January 19, 2007, at 17:03:29
In reply to Re: You have lots of wonderfulness inside you » littleone, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 11, 2007, at 15:52:26
> yes, I had some homework from my T to write out some of these things. My journal entry was not very coherent. It skipped between hopes/desires and fury. Between regrets about the past, and defensive denials. I wasn't so organized. Part of me wants to make her understand _____? Part of me wants to hurt her back. Kick her when she's down. Take THAT! Part of me wants to be close to her, and to share with her the hurt in my heart. All kinds of gunk. Complex. Conflicted.
Hi Llurpsie,
I too had many conflicting wants in the process. It sounds like maybe it was all a bit overwhelming and tied up and hard for you to sort out? I found it so important to put in a lot of effort into clarifying and separting all these wants. Then looking at each one.
For example, my young part wants comforting and nurturing from my mum (which simply won't happen). So I had to work very hard on mothering that part myself so it wasn't left disappointed from mum interactions.
I also had a part that is full of rage against mum and wants to lash out and hurt her and be mad and let her know how awful she's been. But I had to learn to accept that by doing so, it would probably drive my mother further away from me and would not help me in meeting my other goals. So at the moment that part is not allowed to lash out at mum, but can express the rage to me and my T through journalling, art, etc.
When you sit down and figure out what all your conflicting wants are, I think it's important to not just dismiss the ones you don't like. I think it's important to figure out which one you're aiming for and then find other ways of filling the other wants. Then they may lose their strength and make it easier to focus on the main goal when you interact with your mum.
> #1. I want to have my Mom be a mother to me in the future. I want her to be there with me when I have a baby, and to trust her to be a responsive grandma to my child/ren.
>
> #3I want to be able to spend time with her without suppressing rage and frustration. It's exhausting. I wish I could enjoy her company. Other people do.See these goals may conflict. In #1, when you say "responsive", do you mean you want her to be non-dissociative and more warm and present and real with your future children? If that's right, then if you're more real with her (as part of #3), then that may cause more dissociation in her. Especially if you express anger, disappointment, frustration, etc with her.
> Yes, I don't try to control her. I may try to influence her own choices. I am disappointed when she chooses X over me. Knowing that I had FORCED her to pick me over X-- makes things empty and meaningless. Especially as concerns psychotherapy.
This paragraph sent up red flags for me. You say you want her to get therapy so she gets the help she needs. But it sounds like in the above paragraph, you would feel empty and meaningless if she got therapy because you forced her - even if it ended up helping her. It sounds like you want her to voluntarily choose therapy because you are worth making those changes for. That by her choosing therapy, then that proves something (eg that she loves you, thinks you're worthy, etc). It sounds like you are basing your worth on how she responds to you.
If that is correct, then there's another secret want hiding away that you should probably address so it doesn't interfere with the goal you're trying to achieve.
poster:littleone
thread:720964
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/724127.html