Posted by ElaineM on October 25, 2006, at 23:47:02
In reply to Re: please explain me and this **trigs ED, SI...?, posted by canadagirl on October 25, 2006, at 22:09:02
Thanks. I wish. But honestly I think it's just a frantic fear.
>>>>I am so sorry the crisis lines and other resources have been such a letdown.
This was just something I never ever expected. I've always been terrified of ever finding myself needing to contact places like that. And then still, I just knew within myself that I could never do it. (social phobia...) It took me long enough to post on here the first time. It sounds pretty stupid but I feel like people can see me through the phone or computer and it makes me very self-conscious. I don't even like seeing myself speaking on the phone in the mirror. Even that embarasses me. Anyways, I know I don't explain everything that happens with me, but I've been feeling terribly desperate and unsafe, so I tried contacting one place. THen another. Both didn't answer. Now this other group who had respond before, is just not getting back. It makes me feel like a piece of sh*t. I can ask, but somebody else still has to answer back. I can send out all the pleas in the world but that doesn't force them to respond :'(
I'm trying to hang on, because I get to meet in person with my old LadyT for a "checkin" in FEB [sososososo far:( ]. I'm trying to last but I feel inside me that I'm just not gonna do it. I worry about not seeing Christmas. I promised myself that when this started that I would not tolerate living like this longer than a year, if they did not find how to make it disappear or even just die down for awhile. I know it sounds melodramatic but when anything extra gets added on top of being sick then it's like my brain just goes mad. When two (teeth, and kidney/pelvic stuff) gets put on top of what was already draining me dry, then it's like being on super drugs. I can't control myself, and waves of tears just whip me up into frenzies where I can't control myself. It's scary. I hate it more than anything - its like being helpless inside yourself.
I don't really even care about SI anymore. It's back normal. Everything from before is gone - my big string of nothing ended a while ago now. I don't even care that it makes me uglier. The only stupid reason I care a little is that I really worry that doctors will treat me differently because of them....And maybe they should :(
I'm trying to calm myself so I can try and sleep. Got an email from T. I won't even say what it said - doesn't matter. I emailed back to see if he would make me a plan to lose weight, so I can try and learn without doing the same stuff as my brother. And i know I can't restrict that much cause of my insides (ewww sorry). They already don't work, so I have to keep eating stuff so they won't become even less active. So maybe tomorrow he will have sent me an idea....I'm just so afraid that I won't be able to even try. I hope tomorrow is an okay pain day. ..... I hate waking up. It's the worst part of the day. The end is so far away then :( It makes me never want to go to sleep. Cause when I first get awareness in the morning, it's like there's a milli-second of hope that maybe I'll have some health back - like magic. And then I move, and I can feel the eight-ball in my side, and then I'm ready to give in again.
Thanks for caring. (((CG)))
poster:ElaineM
thread:697776
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061012/msgs/697819.html