Posted by Daisym on October 23, 2006, at 22:55:58
Today I talked with my therapist about feeling sort of sad about the difference I feel in our relationship lately. He said he's noticed that I've been saying that I think he is bored or doesn't want me to continue therapy for a few months now. But we always find a way to reconnect and move forward. I agreed. I told him that I've been wondering what it feels like on his side - does the intensity ease off for him too? Sort of like: he has new patients to get to know and to worry about more, and with me, he sort of knows what to expect and how we work together. There isn't so much tension - right? He asked a lot of questions, but he never really answered my question. He told me that he thinks I'm projecting and that there is a lot of anger and disappointment in the field between us - and most of those feelings are embedded in the old stuff we are talking about.
I agree. But I still feel huge amounts of annoyance from him, like I'm bothering him. He wondered if I was picking up his frustration of not being able to reach me sometimes, or help me when I'm struggling. He used last Thursday's session as an example. That was a tortuous session - too much silence and I couldn't let him in, no matter what he tried. And he really tried. I was just in a very bad place. He asked me today to try to describe where I was last Thursday.
I told him that I see myself as a young girl, just having been rolled by an ocean wave. (You know - those sleeper waves that crash over you and you don't know up from down and think you'll never get your head above water again? ) I was standing alone on the beach, shivering and scared, but I didn't know how to get dry or what to do next. What i wanted was someone to swoop in with a big, warm towel and wrap me up and soothe me until I could calm down enough, emotionally and physically (no shaky feelings) to think again.
He nodded and said he could see it with me. And then I told him that it was hard for me to know that I wanted and needed this physical comfort and he couldn't or wouldn't give it to me. He won't hold my hand or wrap me up and sit next to me. And I understand why he has made those choices in his practice. But it still hurts and it is still what I needed last Thursday. He said he could totally see that and he felt bad on the one hand that I needed something I couldn't get. But he also said that he really knew that his decision to not "touch" clients was the right one for him. And then I said that while I respected that, hearing it put like that made me feel like one of the bunch, not receiving individualized care and not special. He said he was trying to be there for me is so many other ways. I know that. I think we both felt sad. And then we were out of time. And I'm going to be gone most of this week, so there isn't time to get back to a better place for a little while. So -- more sadness.
I can't help but think tonight about what is written in "In Session". I do think therapy is like getting your heart professionally broken. :(
poster:Daisym
thread:697139
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061012/msgs/697139.html