Posted by Racer on October 21, 2006, at 22:21:22
I'm in the midst of a very long-lasting anxiety attack, which is one of the most severe I've ever had, and certainly the most severe I've had since finally leaving the Agency From A Very Warm Climate. It's feeding a lot of obsessionality, with some of my usual obsessions, and it's frightening me a lot.
I won't go into all of the details, but I will tell about part of the rut I go into, which involves medication for depression and anxiety which might actually help the obsessionality.
All this started when I saw a new psychopharmacologist recommended by our marriage counselor. Because of my experiences with pdocs and meds, I'm very frightened by the whole thing. I don't need to be told that he's different, I know that he's not the same as the doctors I've had bad experiences with, and I know that I need to give him a chance. I can recognize the good signs I've already had from him during the first assessment. (We ran over time, by a fair amount, so I go back next week to finish the assessment.) He's said a bit about what he thinks in terms of diagnosis and treatment.
And I'm back on my carousel horse!
He gave me an idea of what medication he was leaning towards -- and I freaked out, and have been freaking out ever since. I think he's probably right, but as soon as I think about actually taking it, I turn into a complete basket case! I panic.
Then I start thinking about it, and telling myself that it might make me feel much better than I have been. That the doctor knows that I'm afraid of the side effects I've had in the past (with the same drug I think he's considering, as well as others), and that he's told me that he won't let that happen, that he can mitigate those problems. I know that there are ways to mitigate the problems, so they don't have to happen. But I've also heard about the side effects of those drugs, too. And I think about whether it would be worth it to take those, if they really are as bad as others have reported them to be. And I don't think I could handle it if it is that bad.
It's about this point in the cycle that I collapse inward, and decide it's not worth trying.
But then the cycle starts all over again.
The other thing is that I have gone to the first appointment, which was exhorbitantly expensive, and we won't be reimbursed for much of it. So, I feel as though I have to take something he prescribes, because otherwise I've just wasted a lot of money. So, I think about how I can take the drugs. And I remember how it was before, when I took them, and then I fall ever deeper into that obsessive rut.
And none of that even approaches issues like being afraid I won't be able to please the doctor, or that I'll try to please him so hard I'll manufacture improvements that aren't real -- this is something I do, and I'm not aware of it -- or that he'll get frustrated and tell me the drugs are working and I'll just have to get used to the side effects, or the sky will fall in. I don't even know what I'm really afraid of. I think I'm just experiencing generic fright. ;-}
There's another fear, too, that started this afternoon. I've been so frightened, so anxious, for days now. (I know it's not entirely visible outside me, because my husband was shocked when I nearly jumped out of my chair earlier when he said hello as he walked by.) Right now, my throat hurts from having been so tight for so long, and I'm just plain worn out. But a little while ago, I had to write something for homework, and it ended up longer than the assignment, and a little silly -- it's OK, for this assignment -- and so I jumped to "maybe I'm not depressed and anxious -- maybe I'm bipolar!" I don't know why that frightens me so much. Maybe just something to do with having to revise my self-image so radically at the age of forty-nevermind. I've been unipolar for twenty some years. Anxiety disorder was added two years ago, and that sent me through a maelstrom of terror. My T diagnosed OCD within the last year and a half, which somehow doesn't seem so real, so it only sent me spinning for a few days. This pdoc changed the anxiety from "Anxiety Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" to "Generalized Anxiety Disorder," and that sent a freezing chill down my spine. I know he has to rule bipolar in or out as part of his assessment, but I'm still so frightened that he'll decide I am bipolar, and I'll be required to take a medication which might be as bad as the others I've taken.
And some of that is truly irrational: I've had three or four different pdocs or therapists assess me for bipolar over the years, when they thought I might be, and all of them have ruled it out. Most of them have said that the negative symptoms they see really are just anxiety, and the positive symptoms seem to be what my personality would have been without the difficulties of my formative years. (Including the depression those difficulties triggered.) After all these years, maybe I'd trust that, but I don't.
Sorry, I know I got way too long. I don't even know why I felt the need to write this, and I'll probably regret it in the morning. (OMG! That's a sure sign of bipolar, isn't it? Grrr... &^%^%&^$^** obsessions!) If you've made it this far, congratulations! I'm sorry there's no prize, but you certainly deserve one for your tenacity.
Maybe I'm hoping someone has something to say that might help in some way? I don't know what it could be, though. I suppose if I did know, I'd have said it to myself, right? So, if you can think of anything to say, please say it! If nothing else, that might shut me up...
poster:Racer
thread:696648
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061012/msgs/696648.html