Posted by gardenergirl on October 20, 2006, at 23:07:58
In reply to God, I hate depression!, posted by gardenergirl on October 20, 2006, at 18:51:40
First, thanks to all who've replied. I wish I could reply individually, but I don't have the energy or brain power tonight. But I appreciated each and every one of your replies. And I feel for all of you who are also struggling with this.
So here's the thing as I've got it figured out so far (thanks in part to a special redheaded woman's patience, caring, and wisdom).
I'm depressed. Again. It's been building (or would that be destroying?) for awhile, but it's pretty much here now. God, I hate hate hate recurrent depression. The recurrent part in and of itself is depressing.
Today I saw a new pdoc and then had therapy right after. The new pdoc is in the same clinic as my T, so it's a very good arrangement, although two appts in two hours was probably a bad idea.
I liked him. I felt heard and understood. I felt validated. He had suggestions for med changes, which is good, though I'm having all kinds of freak outs about it. As far as that goes, though I know better, and I know that it's no shame, etc., I'm having a very difficult time with how many meds I'm on. I never ever imagined that I would be on so many psychotropics. Up til about 3 years ago, it was pretty much always a single antidepressant. Somehow in my stupid (not really, but ya know...), rejection-sensitive, give too much weight to what "society says" even if "society" is wrong world, I feel terrible for "having to" take so many meds. It feels demoralizing and something to be ashamed of. I know that's not true. My rational side knows that, but I've just been weeping all day. Pdoc had a very good response to that, though. He said that when folks are more depressed or more anxious, there are more receptors in need of attention or "stuff" (neurotransmitters), so ya need more "stuff". Makes sense, and he said it in a kind and comforting way. But still, I feel awful. And I know better about all these associations and thoughts about meds and so on, which really bugs me.
I'm going to take some time to process what he said and decide what I want to try adding (low dose Lithium, which is also freaking me out due to the stigma, even though I know better; Wellbutrin, or a low dose atypical AP.)
The other part is that he said that changing more than one variable at a time makes it difficult to figure out what's effecting what. And starting with a new pdoc and making a med change while terminating therapy at the same time might not be the best course. And that terminating therapy when you're much more depressed might also be a bad idea.
So since I had therapy right after, we talked about this--how it may or may not be connected to my current depression, why we decided to terminate in the first place, etc. At the end of the session, my T recommended we continue at least for awhile. That certainly seems very reasonable. And given how painful termination has been, and how far removed I feel from how good I was doing when we first discussed it, you'd think that would feel like a big relief. That I'd feel happy about it, or at least good about. But I have mixed feelings. Or rather, I feel sort of numb. I know that I don't feel a big relief, as in "Oh thank God, now I don't have to stop." And I don't feel like, "Oh, I must be awful. Look at me, I can't even stop." I just feel numb. In fact, I didn't even give him an answer about it, but instead said that we didn't have to make any decisions about it just then. I did say that I didn't know what else we'd talk about. He didn't say anything to that, but we both laughed a tiny bit when I said, "Guess that's never been a problem, eh?"
Bleah! I suppose I'm just numb and sort of flat, well, if you don't count all the weeping. So that may be part of why I just don't feel any reaction that I can pinpoint. Similarly, I had the same sort of flat reaction when my T asked me how it went with my pdoc. You could tell that he was very interested. And he thinks very highly of him. He also knows what the last pdoc was like (Oy!). And though I feel good about how it went, I just couldn't muster up much in the way of enthusiasm or positive energy. Which didn't so much seem to disappoint him, but I don't think he was expecting it. I honestly don't know that he was aware of how much I really am depressed. Heck, until this week, I guess I wasn't aware.
Major heavy sigh.
God, I hate this. And I hate that I'll always have depression to some extent. It's always going to be lurking, and I could have another depressive episode even if I'm doing "everything right." For the last couple of years, I've had them, but I seemed to be able to recognize them much quicker and get back out of it sooner. Not this time. Which just sucks. Sucks sucks sucks.
This must be similar to what my husband faces each day in dealing with his Type I diabetes. Which sucks.
Feeling very blue, very negative, and very pitiful right now....
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:696374
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061012/msgs/696433.html