Posted by Lindenblüte on October 12, 2006, at 9:20:23
In reply to messed up » littleone, posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2006, at 8:49:18
(((((Alex)))))
My best friend in college (that's like the first 4 years of Uni) was frequently engaged in self-destructive behaviors. She would hook up with guys, spend a thousand dollars on fancy clothes, get wasted, etc etc. We were roommates for 2 years. I love her dearly. I knew that her destructive behavior came from a place that wasn't healthy. I also knew that she was an incredibly wonderful person. She had her "crises" on a very regular basis, and it was hard watching her do this, but many times she saved me from having my own melt-downs. She was warm, and intelligent, and vivacious, and had this certain je ne sais quoi....
I wish I could have taken away all of her insecurities. I wish I could have taken away all of her sadness and hurt that made her do these things. Finally, senior year, it was hurting ME so badly to see her start dabbling in hard-core drugs that I went to see a counselor. I realized that my friend's behavior had finally tipped the point where she was hurting me too much. Well, I organized an intervention to help my friend. We told her how much we loved her, and that we wanted to be there for her forever, and that she didn't need to run away from our caring, because she was afraid she didn't deserve it. She graduated, got married, got out of the drug scene, and is doing a lot better these days.
My point in telling you this story, Alex, is that you are NOT alone. Lots of young women do things that they regret-- things that are an expression of pain that they cannot communicate or share to anyone else. I don't know what your particular issues are, but if you are insecure about your body, or how loveable you are, how smart you are, or whatever--- well, those concerns are far more common than anyone will ever tell you.
Remember that you are out of your element a little bit. You may be feeling homesick, ungrounded. You didn't do permanent damage, I don't think. Many of the women who will look at you judgementally are either jealous, or they are ashamed, because they have done or wanted to do the thing that you did. It's a lot easier to condemn another's behavior than one's own.
Alex, you know that you are a very special person. You may be right- you're too immersed in the campus life. Try to get away whenever the chance arises. For me, when I was living on campus, I would take the train to downtown and study in a public library, or I would go to a new coffee shop every morning for a week.
Spring is coming. Is it a good time to start exploring the city parks?
Please stay in touch with your T and your substitute T. they can help you get through this crisis.
I'm so sorry you're struggling. You know, I would never judge you if you wanted to share something personal. You don't have to be alone and strong. You can tell us some of your stuff. I've done bad things too.
Sending you extra gentle hugs-- what kinds of things do you do for comfort? read? movies? chocolate? ice cream? nap? shop? art?
love,
-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:693465
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061012/msgs/694102.html