Posted by Susan47 on October 11, 2006, at 23:13:49
In reply to Re: Dear Susan, posted by alexandra_k on October 9, 2006, at 4:34:53
Honestly, I can't understand how my suicidal ideation (is that what it is?) .. got to this point. I mean, I've been having these feelings for more than thirty years .. but this is the first time I've gone this far .. not that I haven't thought of it before ... I don't want to be here ever again ... I feel really like a failure. It's the feeling of being a complete failure that's impossible to take. It's too hard .. I mean what's the point, what is the Point? I'll die one day in any case .. why drag myself through thirty-plus more years of pain and failure? What the hell for? That's how it feels. But then I do think about my kids .. someday I might be a grandmother and that would be the reason to keep going .. but is it enough? I mean, how many billion people are there on this planet already, suffering or not .. what is the Point??? For me, it isn't in religion that I could ever find reason enough. Some people would say that God is a good enough reason .. but in my case I simply do not believe in a god and never will .. even the Higher Power they speak of in NA isn't enough for me to believe in ..
Do you know what, Alex? If I were a different person, I would be a Human Rights Lawyer. I would go to fight for the freedom of people, children included, who have had all their human rights taken away by the American CIA in their prisoner of war camps. That would be a reason to live. I can't imagine the suffering of others, people who didn't ask for the horrible lives they're living .. but what I just begin to understand is that my suffering, although internal and some would say self-imposed by my own thoughts, is in its own way just as great ... Damn. Is that a silly thought? Why do people suffer, why is there so much suffering and then blindness to that suffering from others who cannot see nor understand nor believe it?
Harper's magazine has this heartwrenching picture of a POW in one of the US prison camps, hooded .. sitting barefoot on the ground, holding his small barefoot child ... the cruelty humans inflict on others .. the humans inflicting that cruelty cannot ever have felt the pain of the truly depressed. I don't believe it. I think true, deep depression ("weltschmertz") is a gift, I think it makes us more deeply compassionate .. but I could be wrong. I could be dead wrong. Could be, depression also makes people cruel .. what makes people cruel? How could so many "good" Americans inflict so much pain, so much harm, on innocent people?Doing something nice for myself .. that would be learning how to use my brain again, after years on marijuana almost destroyed what I had left of one...
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Thanks for being here, Alex. I love you.
poster:Susan47
thread:692765
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/694008.html