Posted by happyflower on October 3, 2006, at 19:02:27
In reply to I am home( muffy,lin, daisy, and maddie), posted by happyflower on October 3, 2006, at 12:58:14
Okay, here is the session and what did and didn't happen. First it started off by talking about us running into each other at Target over the weekend. I said I was really surprised to see him as I was just looking up (not to run into anyone in the isle, so I could turn and got down another isle) Well I said at least I wasn't buying anything too embarresting ( I thought of you Dinah and the talk you had with your T , LOL) , Well he said well I had a cart full of stuff.(that I assumed must have had something he didn't me to see) LOL Hmmm. I wonder what, I should of asked. LOL
Then he started to take off his pants, wait I mean he pulled up his pantleg to show me the
scar on his knee from the mystery surgery he told me about when I called that one night and got him "live". He said he knew I would be wondering about it, so he showed me. He said it looked kinda gross, and I said yeah it is gross, he laughed at that. I have told him he had nice legs before, but he doesn't know I call him Mr. Sexy legs! LOL Um, okay, what did he want me to do , kiss his boo boo? I wish I would have thought of that at the time,because that would have been funny. But he is right I do feel a little relieved it wasn't anything too serious. He had to get this growth removed again, he had it removed several years ago, but they didn't get it all, plus the stiches tore open and left a nasty scar. He said I probably noticed the ugly thing on his legs at the gym, and I said, sorry but I haven't looked that close at him. LOL ( I mean, how did I miss that? , I guess I am looking elsewhere, lol) Okay I know I am joking about all of this, but that is usually how my sessions start and I am glad because it calms me down.Then he directly asked me what I was learning about in class that got me so upset. (infant and toddler attachment) We talked a lot about that, and the different theories of parenting. He believes that I did develop bonds to like my grandmother, a lot of teachers, and some caregivers, so that is what probably "saved" me from becoming disfunctional. My situtaion at home did affect me in a big way, but I did attach to someone at sometime, and If I didn't I could have been so much worse.
We talked about my humiliation of my mom, the pictures, the stuff she used to do. We talked about it probably was jealousy of me and it was the only way she could make her self feel good is to put me down and abuse me. We talked about parent teacher conferences and how my mom would tear me down when the teachers would talk nice about me. I was so quiet during these times, I hated going, I was really different than during class. He talked a bit about himself and how he felt during those conferences. I guess he was really awful at drawing and art projects so he hated seeing his stuff on display with all the others kids better stuff. But his mom would still say he had a nice picture ( she is an artist). Well he said my mom probably would of said my picture was bad, even if it was good.
We talked about how I saw her humilate my dad as he was dying from cancer. It was an attention, power thing she did to gain these. It makes a lot of sense. And the physical abuse stopped when I was in junior high, because I talked to more people and she would have been afraid of me telling. So she resorted to emotional abuse, which is just as damaging especially if it follows physical abuse. He really "understood" me and what I was saying.
We talked a lot more about the emotional abuse too and we got off topic too about my school work but it did all tie together in the end.I was nervous and I had trouble saying some of the stuff especially out loud, and I didn't even get the really deep issues about it and how I really feel NOW. But he was gentle with me, was so sincere, and well I felt like he cared. We just skimmed the surface he said and that we needed to talk more about this. About what can change, what I can't change and how to deal with this more. He is also going on another vacation next week, so I am sure he is really booked up this week and the week he returns, so maybe this is why he didn't want to dive right in the nitty gritty with EMDR especially with what happened last time. I would probably need another session that day or the next, after the EMDR. At least I think that is what I want to do since EMDR takes up the entire hour. He knows I might need him emotionally, so I think this is why he wanted to keep me level this week. But it is just a beginning, so maybe that is better.
But one nice thing, is that I do trust him, more than a did when we first did EMDR, so I know I will be okay with him. Will I be ready to terminate at the end of the year? I don't think so even if that was my goal. But who knows.
I am really overwhelmed by the support I have been getting about this, I am truely touched. We are a special group of people and together we can get through this and become even more awesome. I plan to write more on this indivdually.
I really believe I have a good T, he really does care, more than he will admit I am sure, but I have confidence that he will help me just like he already has. Maybe he discloses too much, but it has worked with me, I am not sure if he was a blank page, I would have trusted him. I need real, and he is real. He told me that he enjoyed talking to me today, that it was good. I think since I am starting to open up more, he feels like he can still help me, and not just take my money for nice conversations. I think if I didn't want to go deeper, he would have taken a break in therapy until I was ready to start again. But now that I am determined to be okay, I want to keep going. I am not really "okay" to me, maybe compaired to others or what others would consider okay, but I need to feel that I am okay. Well I am sorry this is turning into a chapter book, and is so unorganized, but I am glad you are reading and I am glad to share this with my babble friends. ;-)
poster:happyflower
thread:691279
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/691613.html