Posted by happyflower on October 2, 2006, at 17:34:20
Tomorrow I have an appointment, probably going to do EMDR for the 2nd time ever (1st time was over a year ago). Feeling really nervous.
I guess what I am feeling is that I am going along fine in my life, maybe the best ever personally (except for my marriage) and them WHAM to the head! I am triggered and fall into the dark hole of dispair, feeling like that little girl that no one cared about, the little girl that was constantly being humililated, the little girl who just wanted someone to notice me. When I fall into that hole, I feel like that little girl still. The little infant that cried for some attention, but could't be picked up because I would have been spoiled, and nobody wanted me, I was not loved. I am glad we can't remember our infant and toddlerhood. Seeing the ugly pictures, and they are all ugly, not cute ones of me smiling, only crying or looking like a brat, not pictures of a treasured baby.
In therapy we talked about the physical abuse, the neglect, much more than the emotional abuse. That is what is still hurting me I think. That feeling, it was so horrible to live like that, just wanted to hide in the woods, but yeah, I escaped the physical abuse, but the metal abuse of living in the wood hidden away so my mom couldn't hurt me, still haunts me to this day. I feel like I have to still hide in the woods now, because of my moms recent actions. I feel bad, like I was so bad, that is why my mom hurt me, because I was so very bad. Why would a good child that is loved be tortured? Why is it so hard to love me?
I feel so fragile to talk about this with anyone even my T , I am scared, I think my T knows I am scared. He knows me. I hope he can be there for me tomorrow, I hope he is at the top of his game, I hope he forces the poison out me, because I am scared of letting it out or it will pollute the world of ugliness.
I wish my mom was dead, I wish my mom was dead. She is evil, she is evil. I need peace inside of me, I can't seem to hold in the prisoned emotions. I feel like I am going to explode. I feel like my volcano is going to errupt. I want to hide even from my T tomorrow. I am scared he is going to make the hurt come out, I don't want to feel the hurt, I don't want to think about the hurt. But my T will have to be the "bad guy", I think he knows he is going to have to be stronger than me to work with all my defenses that I have had in place for so many years. Can he help me ? I don't know, but I am scared, but I am even more scared if I don't get it out.
I wish you all could come with me and hold me tomrrow, because I know my T won't . I will feel like an unloveable child again because my T won't even hold my hand because it would be too repulsive or he is afraid of it being sexual. Just like when my grandma died, I stood there crying at her graveside at the funeral, and NOBODY offered me any comfort, not my dad, none of my relatives. I have never felt so alone in my life, like hiding in the woods as a child. I don't know how I am going to do this tommorrow. I don't even want to go to jazz band tonight, but I have to. I just want to crawl up in a fetal ball and die.
poster:happyflower
thread:691279
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/691279.html