Posted by Lindenblüte on September 29, 2006, at 17:13:28
My oldT got to hear about it in one particularly anxiety-stricken session and said off-hand - well, maybe we'll do some CBT work on that later, when you're doing a little better. Later, we had the hilarious discussion that went kind of like this:
Me: how do I break this habit (I had told him about me wrecking my cuticles periodically, and about how much it distressed me)
Him: Well, I guess you're going to have to figure out what triggers you to do this.
Me: Well, I know who I learned it from. But I don't know how to stop. It's when I'm really anxious, or whenever I am watching some intense movie or TV show.
Him: Well, you need something else to do with your hands. When I was trying to quit smoking I had (? sorry don't remember!?) and it was hard, but I did it.
Me: So, what you're saying is that I need to take up smoking? (jokingly)
Him: Well, that's one option (laughing). I think our time is up...
Me: Okay see you next week.
(so. I didn't get the impression that he was particularly concerned with my distress. When cuticle picking evolved into cutting a few weeks later, and my nails were at their all-time nastiest, and I started punching myself, I didn't feel like he would really have any interest in this development either, so I never told him, and I wore long-sleeves for many weeks.)
**************
Here's how this discussion went with pdoc
pdoc: you mentioned something in your e-mail about anxiety? you are biting your nails?
me: (anxiously) yes. (hangs head in shame)
pdoc: you know, the cymbalta should help with that. I'd be interested to see how it helps.
me: oh. okay.
pdoc: anything else?
*************
NewT: Tell me about what you do when you feel anxious.
Me: um, one of the things I might do is to cut myself.
NewT: How do you do that? What do you use? etc.
Then today she asked more about my anxiety. I told her about little triggers in my peripheral vision, about how overhearing an argument stresses me out, and about how sometimes my mind is just out of control, playing really bad movies over and over again--
that I'd do *almost* anything to make those thoughts stop. "like what?", she asked. I told her about how I went on the 3 hour SI binge on Wednesday. How I started off just picking at a little hangnail and by the end of the evening, I had accumulated all of the sharp tools in the house, and had picked or cut at all the bunps and blemishes I could find. That I didn't hurt myself very badly, but that it was ugly and I had sore spots.
NewT: have you told your pdoc about these flashbacks and anxiety symptoms?
Me: Um, I guess not in that much detail. I just say that I'm feeling really anxious, and that almost everything is a trigger sometimes, and I feel really panicky sometimes, and... and he always says that he's not sure about giving me something for anxiety. and I don't know what to tell him, what is relevant. (note: pdoc doesn't really know about my SI. I guess it's time. I'm kind of hurting right now.)
Yesterday was really the worst. I was having these vivid waking nightmares, and the only way I could distract myself was to fantasize about dismembering myself and WORSE, if you can imagine. I wrote curtm an message about this earlier. I even grossed out curtm!!! lol. And today it seems almost UNREAL that I felt so out-of-control only 24 hours ago!
oh goody. I guess I will figure out how to get in touch with my pdoc before my appt. in 6 days. I dunno if he'll be available, but at least I can think about this clearly now. my newT helped me organize these things in my head clearly for the first time. So? That's some progress I guess. I should write it down before I forget. Oh wait! I just did!
And this freakin post is just about long enough already. Thank you for your patience with me, dear reader :o)
-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:690260
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/690260.html