Posted by annierose on September 29, 2006, at 16:50:14
I'm one of those attached babblers that is always trying to define or just plain understand the therapeutic relationship. I realize it would just be better to accept it as it is. But I can't seem to. I want to know more --- know more about the relationship from her point of view, know more about her as a person, know more about what she is thinking --- just know.
My T does know I feel this way and we have gone on this merry-go-round more than once. She does let me know she cares about me, that I matter to her. Somehow it isn't enough.
I engaged her in this conversation (again) on Tuesday and she made (IMO) a flip remark, "Annie, nothing is forever you know." Something about her tone, on top of those words had tears streaming down my cheeks. I went to my yoga class later that night and more tears tried to fall but I held onto them as my children were taking the class with me. I went again, alone, last night, and the tears did fall this time during the meditation part at the end. My yoga teacher came over to me and massaged my head and whispered, "It's okay, you're okay, let them fall." That of course sent me over the edge, but I kept myself composed, and left after class.
I saw my T this morning and told her about what happened in yoga. I think what made that experience so sad, or so scary, (or both) is my yoga teacher reached out to me. She saw my pain, and tried to comfort me in a way a mother would --- by touch. My T said, "Don't you feel that I am reaching out to you?" And the truth is no. I told her, "I don't see you as reaching out to me. Instead, I see you as being here for me (because you are paid to) and being present for me in the moment. But the boundaries of this relationship prohibit you from reaching out." She disagreed and agreed with what I said. Does this make sense to anyone else? I explained to her, "You can't touch me to comfort me."
It's amazing how strong the human need is for touch. Although I'm the first person to say, I don't like to be touched by strangers. But my T isn't a stranger. And if she did hug me, it would probably flip me out. I am full of contradictions.
She tried to comfort me by saying, "This relationship isn't a regular type of friendship. You can't reach me anytime you need to talk, but you can call me and leave a message and I will get back to you." And she apologized for her earlier remark and said she didn't intend for it to hurt me.
I don't know anything. But I want to know so much more.
poster:annierose
thread:690258
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/690258.html