Posted by muffled on September 16, 2006, at 9:41:09
In reply to Re: I've been bad, posted by alexandra_k on September 16, 2006, at 7:58:48
***Hey Alex,
Proly yout inside kid the one not phoning. I find whrn i have upset my inside people start comming around more.
Its ok.> there isn't any connection.
> nice lady trying to help
> but there isn't any connection.***Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
>
> i say hi and we manage to banter a little...
> then we sit down...
> then there is a bit of a silence.
> she asks me how my week / month has gone.
> i say 'fine' or 'fine thanks' or whatever.
> then there is a bit more of a silence.***Sounds like the beginning w/my T.
>
> i try and think about something to say...
> something that will be meaningful to me
> to help me feel connected.
> so i start trying to set the scene for something that has happened during the week...
> and she sort of follows along but asks strangish questions and tries to help by rephrasing etc but doesn't really get it...***I have found that I write my T a fax the day before and send it, and usu she has time to read it before I get there. We usu. do a devotional reading(she's a christian counsellor) after the inane-'how was your week' thing.
I find the devotional reading really helps cuz for one thing , sometimes they are good, but MAINLY , it gives me a chance to surreptitiously peek at my counsellor and remember what she looks like, and notice if she looks different, and what she's wearing etc. So I suppose I *sses her, just like she proly assesses me as I walk in the door! I feel that mt T OFTEN doesn't 'get it'. I guess its hard to try and understand anothers experience exactly...
>
> then i get to the kind of crucial part.
> and i guess she tries to help me reframe it.
> but...
> she doesn't really get it.
>
***My T talks LOTS and its GREAT. Cuz she'll talk, and do the writing thing on the board, and it helps to try and define stuff more, cuz she'll keep asking me 'does that make sense?'. Sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes I off in another land!> she doesn't.
>
> i don't know what to say.
>
> i'm sorry> i get this a lot
> with lots of different t's.
> i don't think she knows what to do with me.
> sometimes she jumps up and starts drawing little models and stuff on the board.
> but...
> there is no connection really.***Mebbe she never will....guess some don't.....sigh.
My T hasn't dealt with alot of what I present, so I kinda feel like I'm training HER, so she can understand and then help others like me more effectively. So I push on.
>>
> i feel bad
> bad about that
> she is nice lady trying to help
> so...
> why isn't it helping?
> why can't i talk to her?
> i mean... connect with her?
> she doesn't understand.
> i mean she really really doesn't.
>
> i tried to talk to the uni councellors about how this situation wasn't really working for me therapy wise. they said i should contact her supervisor. her supervisor was the lady who did the intake interview. i remembered thinking... we might just be able to work together... we might just... but then she said she would hand me over to another therapist. apparantly... i need to talk to her. it is just... i don't want to offend my current t. i know it isn't supposed to be about that but in many respects i don't feel like she is my t anyway. it is hard to explain.***now interestingly, at this point in reading your post, I had to go off to make breki for my kids. But I was kinda mulling this over in my mind.
***and I thot about this above
>
> so...
>
> i guess i need to get the courage to go see my t... and to say 'i'm not sure that things are working'. because i'm not sure that they are. it is hard because i really do think that she is trying really hard. maybe it is that... she did undergrad philosophy and sometimes she seems interested in my work and stuff and then i realise... its like i'm giving her a tutorial. i don't know. lots of my students were older than me. i don't know. my last t... was the same. i used to go chat with her but... i refused to think of her as my t. she wasn't a t. just someone i went and chatted to every now and then. i've got the same again.
>
> what am i supposed to do with all the sh*t inside of me?
> (i don't think they can handle it i don't think they can handle me if i get triggered... i'm scared of me and i'm scared of hurting them and i can't tell them this because... they wouldn't understand and they would probably feel bad)
>
***And, funnily enough, I thot to myself..'Alex is such a sweety. I wonder if she is trying to protect her T's, cuz she got alot of really intense stuff inside. I wonder if she is afraid to let it out???'
What a strange thing that I would think of just the same what you wrote.....
DON'T worry bout your T's, if they can't handle crazy sh*t chucked at them, then they in the wrong business!!!!
Iused to woory bout my T, cuz she SO nice and pleasant, and not very big and strong. I used to ask her regularly (and be on tenterhooks bout what she might say) whether she was scared of me. She would just say 'should I be', while showing absolutely no fear.
I even (in faxes) cussed her out good. She still didn't run away. In sessions I would get all tough sometimes, she still didn't run away. We (I) have this 'game', where I let her a little closer, then I get freaked and run like hell. STILL I play this stupid game..
But she's never quit on me, and while mebbe she don't really 'get' alot of my stuff totally,just the fact that she hasn't bailed on me, is HUGE to me, HUGE.
So I dunno Alex, is there any chance you could put some thots for an agenda for your session on paper? Keep it simple! And tell your T that she's not to be diverted from this sgenda. Stick to it?
I find the best sessions where I learn the most, are often cuz I have behaved badly, and then we try and figger why!!!!!
So good luck to you.
Don't worry bout your T's feelings(TRY not to anyways!). She is there to help you process stuff. And if she hasn't had sh*t chucked at her yet, then its time she did! Cuz she may as well learn now. It comes with the territory, thats why T often have their own T's or debrief with others in their practice. Your T has her own outlets, she is supposwed to be yours, LET IT RIP!
Luv ya Alex,
Take care,
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:686478
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/686522.html