Posted by Daisym on August 12, 2006, at 22:00:09
In reply to Re: I’m going to tie my therapist to his chair » Daisym, posted by Tamar on August 12, 2006, at 21:37:48
>>>>>I think it would feel more OK to me if I thought that he wanted me to love him; if he could tell me that he values my love and that he’s pleased that I feel it. The thing is, love is a gift. But how could he want my gift when it’s so contaminated by my disgustingness? I don’t think he could persuade me that my love is clean or good. But if he could tell me that however contaminated it is, he values it because it’s all I have to give him… then maybe I could believe it was OK.
<<<<<Contaminated is the word I always use. I doubt your therapist thinks that you are...but I completely understand this feeling. However, don't you think you are selling him a little short by not allowing him to show you how much he does value your love and trust? Think about it with your students -- if one of them told you that they cared about you deeply because you've helped them so much, would you be disgusted? Even though you know you can't be with them, you can respect their feelings and honor them with kindness and a gentle acceptance. Isn't that what we all want?
As I write this, I know it is so much more complicated for different parts of us. There is a deep internal dialogue that tells us that loving someone is the kiss of death. It is the fastest, easiest way to convince someone to run away from us -- at least this is how I think. But when I get little moments of clarity I hear my therapist say, "everyone wants to be special and that is perfectly OK. And you are very special to me."
And yet, when the fog descends, I find myself wishing I didn't feel such an intense array of feelings. Is this the teenage crush I was suppose to have at 17? And the sexual feelings that come and go make everything a thousand times worse and magnifies the danger of the whole thing.
I really hate this.
poster:Daisym
thread:675486
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/675951.html