Posted by Tamar on July 26, 2006, at 18:29:37
In reply to past/present » Tamar, posted by ElaineM on July 26, 2006, at 16:42:26
Hi Elaine,
> Tamar: It's true that all my other issues stem from the past. Some more recent than others. We have talked a little (while I was healthy) about some of the past. It took a long time to get to that point -- there was alot of nothingness before then. But once I became ill (symptoms started manifesting last Nov/Dec) all my progress (if that's what it was) evaporated. My life had finally started to expand after coping with some family deaths, I had the anorexia under controll, and I even talked to someone in one of my classes. I was starting to live again, and then out of nowhere this happened. ANd within a month or so, my body started to collapse and it took the small life I had with it. I was okay before. Not great. Not even good. But I was functioning at the highest level I'd been at for years.
That’s so very sad. Really appalling. Illness is a terrible thing, and I think people who are entirely healthy just don’t understand how hard it is just to make it through stuff other people think is ‘normal’ – like coping with stairs, as you said. I’m glad your profs were supportive.
> >>>>For example, it sounds to me as if your emotional pain manifests itself in your body....Also, it sounds to me as if you might have punished your body and made it somehow external to yourself.
>
> Oh Tamar, that part is so hard to hear. I know how you were saying it -- that emotional trauma can exacerbate existing physical problemsSorry sorry sorry. I really didn’t mean to make it hard for you. And I absolutely did not mean to invalidate your illness. I’m really sorry that what I said resonated in an invalidating way.
I agree that emotional trauma can exacerbate existing physical problems, but I was thinking about something else as well. I’m not sure if I know how to explain it. So maybe it would be better if I ask a question (which you don’t have to answer, of course): do you sometimes feel as if your body doesn’t really belong to you? Or maybe that your self and your body are two separate entities? I guess I’m only asking because what you’ve said sounds like stuff I’ve felt, but of course your experience is your own, and it’s unique.
> -- but I've had versions of that thrown at me by some horribly insensitive, pompous doctors. That I am "too young" to be ill.
B*stards. What does ‘too young to be ill’ mean? Even babies can get seriously ill. Even fetuses can get ill. What a ridiculous thing to say. Too young to be ill? I hope you told those doctors they were too insensitive to be allowed out in public!
> I've shed so many tears having my situation be invalidated. I would do anything to not be living with this. I would be stronger. I could focus more on the mental stuff. Infact, I have an entirely new perspective on life now. What is important. What is not. I could see myself becoming a different person -- a better one, a more alive one. All that matters is physical health. If only I had my body back. I have to stop wishing for it, cause it's not coming, but I want another chance. I want time to rewind. I want to bypass the eating disorder. I want to know everything I know now, then. I'm just not going to get that chance.
It’s hard to stop wishing for it. Accepting a serious illness isn’t something you can do overnight. Is your condition one that goes into remission from time to time? Is that something to hope for?
> >>>> People who have been abused are often willing to put up with love that is mixed with danger, because they have learned that danger and pain are part of love.
>
> This is embarrassingly true. I don't like talking about it though. But for me, I think I like violence. Sometimes being hurt feels like a hug to me. Better than a hug. I think that's part of the reason why I find it so disturbing to be touched gently. Maybe I'm a masochist. (oh god, I'm so humiliated saying all that. i'm a crazy, disgusting, perverted mess.) ....I was going to say more but it's too hard right now.Well, if you have learned that violence goes together with getting your needs met, then of course you might think you like it. And of course a gentler touch might make you feel uncomfortable if it’s unfamiliar because anything unfamiliar is dangerous. You know about the familiar dangers and you found ways of coping with them somehow. But stuff that’s new and different must be terrifying.
I actually know some people who are sexual masochists. I don’t think they’re perverted or disgusting. Pain and pleasure can be closely related. I’ve also read that sexual masochism is fairly common in people who have been abused: they find it incredibly liberating and sexy to *choose* to submit to pain with someone they trust, in contrast to earlier experiences of having pain forced on them by someone who can’t be trusted.
But even if you have masochistic fantasies, that doesn’t make you a masochist. And even if it turns out you’re a masochist, that doesn’t make you disgusting. It’s all part of the normal spectrum of human sexuality. As far as I can tell, the most important thing about sexual masochism is the intimacy people feel with their partner. The pain is a vehicle for the intimacy. Without intimacy and trust, masochist sexual practices aren’t erotic at all.
> I don't really speak to people in person. Once I got sick with the ED, anything remotely social disappeared -- I was too medically unstable, too zombie-like. Now, I can't act, or talk, or relate, or even think like others my age. I'm a 12yr old child in an aging, breaking container. I can't get around well. Most days, it's too tiring to leave the house. It is hard enough getting to my sessions -- it drains me dry.
I’ve heard that EDs can result in people becoming less interested in social interaction. And obviously your current pain doesn’t help. I’m sorry it’s so hard. It’s just so unfair. But even if you can’t get out much, please do keep posting here!
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:669755
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/670847.html