Posted by daisym on July 19, 2006, at 13:41:36
In reply to Re: Still need help framing, posted by curtm on July 19, 2006, at 11:26:22
I have three boys too. So I speak from experience. Reframing:
Thought: "I shouldn't have to tell them not to sit on the sofa in wet suits, my wife should step in and tell them."
reframe:--"It bothers me that the kids are sitting on the sofa in wet suits, not my wife. So if it bothers ME, I'M the one who will need to speak up."
Thought: "I've told them before -- they should remember to not leave their stuff, to not sit on the sofa in wet suits, etc."
Reframe: "Boys live from moment to moment with good intentions. Unless there is a consequence that makes an impact, the trail they leave is invisible to them. If it bothers ME, I need to make their trails visible to them."
You seem to be struggling with an age old parental dilema of how do I get the kids to do what I want without having to constantly ask them. The honest answer is you have to constantly ask them. Constantly and consistently and calmly and politely but immediately. Interrupt them over and over again to get called back to picking up their glass, their socks, their nintendo controls, their plates, etc. I give this speech to mine: "I hate to nag. But the mess bugs me and I don't think it is fair that I clean it up when I didn't make it. So if you leave it, I'm going to ask you to stop what you are doing and immediately pick stuff up. I don't care if you have plans, friends or are on a cool level. You'll need to do what I ask right then." That way they have warning and full understanding of your expectations. The next step I took is if they left a mess and disappeared, whatever got left out disappeared. If they left the dishes out, they "volunteered" for the dishes that night. If they left the bathroom a mess, they "volunteered" to clean the whole thing.
Think about what you are doing, not saying. If you fume but clean up after them, they are learning to leave it for dad.
Truthfully this approach works pretty well for me but I also have "reframed" things for myself by accepting that kids are messy, it is their house too and I want them to like being home. So I don't have a ton of rules, making it easier to follow the ones I really care about.
As far as your wife goes...can you answer (sweetly) "sorry hun, I'm busy with the boat. Can you go ahead and do the cooler? Have the boys help you?" Sometimes we assume that someone else notices that we are busy and they haven't. Or they have in their head a different list of priorities that conflict with ours. If you feel a pull to do everything, you have to look at yourself. And if you are wishing your wife is a mind reader, you also have to look at yourself. This is another one of those places that being a martyr doesn't work. If you feel put upon, but say "yes" instead of "no" it seems like you are expecting the other person to read your outrage and feel guilty and take back their request. This rarely works.
The hardest thing to accept about reframing things is when you feel justified in your way or your outlook...that "if only the OTHER person would" type of thinking. You are not going to change another person's basic personality or they way they plan/don't plan, clean/don't clean; organize/don't organize. Like Dinah said, sometimes you have to change your expectations.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. I do understand the frustrations you are expressing.
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:668216
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/668281.html