Posted by wishingstar on July 14, 2006, at 6:10:43
In reply to Re: wanting to give up therapy... long » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on July 12, 2006, at 18:57:45
I’d just written out a long response to you and my power went out! No storm or anything, just gone. I went to bed last night and it still wasn’t back, but I guess its back now.
You’re right, Laurie isn’t being overly helpful. I’m really not opposed to looking at my behaviors, even the bad ones… but a little compassion would help, yes. It’s hard. Lack of awareness isn’t my problem as much as lack of feeling okay with myself and feeling cared about is. I just want to be okay and have someone understand that I’m trying. I really am.
Yes, I’ve only called three times. The first being about 3 months ago, again 2-3 weeks ago, and the last time this past Monday. I really wasn’t expecting Anne to be my personal crisis team, and I didn’t think I was acting that way.. but I don’t know. They tell me “be vulnerable, ask for help, etc etc” but then at the same time, I’m somehow asking for something I don’t deserve and they wont give? Huh?
It is possible that Anne is having a problem with me seeing someone else. I was hesitant to even bring up the idea originally because I was aware of that potential problem, but we discussed the options together and she seemed fine with my decision. It was really just a practical issue – driving time, work schedules, etc. If that’s a problem, I wish she’d tell me that. When I called 2-3 weeks ago, I asked to speak to her (anne) because things were bad and also asked o n the voice mail if it was okay for me to call her, since I’m not seeing her right now… she didn’t mention that when we talked, but as we hung up said goodbye until I needed to call again. I don’t know. I understand the use of boundaries in therapy, but sometimes I think a little information would be helpful. Otherwise it’s a giant shot in the dark. We’re both playing this game, but she’s the only one who knows the rules. If it’s not okay for me to call her until I’m back in town, I just wish she’d tell me. I wish she’d just tell me SOMETHING. Sorry, end of rant.
It does help to know that your therapist feels the way he does about phone calls. It helps me to know that I’m not crazy or dreaming up some fantasy therapist that is ideal but unrealistic.. I’m not asking for anything unusual (at least regarding this). This is my rational side talking.. hopefully my emotions will catch up in the next few days. But I’m not sure. Self-protection is kicking in strong right now, and that isn’t very conducive to helpful therapy, for me anyway. He sounds like he is really wonderful.
The question I cant get over, even with Laurie’s theory, is… why is Anne acting like this now, if a year ago she cared enough to even give me her cell phone number when I was having a particularly hard time? No reason to try to guess, I know, but it sure sounds like I’ve done something wrong. Laurie is reinforcing that very strongly, and her theory that I’m just horribly manipulative is as good as any. This is a bad, never-ending cycle I’ve gotten myself into and I just cant find the way out. No therapy at all has to be better than this.
Thank you Dinah, I always appreciate your responses. It helps to know I’m not alone.
poster:wishingstar
thread:666420
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/666965.html