Posted by muffled on July 8, 2006, at 21:01:37
In reply to the letdown after something ends » MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on July 8, 2006, at 16:47:18
I sometimes think I always expect these other, mother-like figures to rescue me, regardless of rules. This same feeling happened with the lady T I had who gave me to my T now. If she really cared about me as another human, then she couldn't possibly send me back into h*ll, alone. I mean, intellectually, rationally I understand that treatment rules are there for reasons, I really do get that. But my heart is not logic-based.
***Yeah, people have their limitations, thats why we supposed to learn to stand on our own 2 feet. Therapists supposed to work themselves out of a job by enabling us to care for ourselves.
>
I hate finality though. It makes me get this deep franticness, that only grows and grows until I'm out of my mind with grief and despair. I wish she had given me something of herself. Once she wrote me a small note after Christmas and I read it every single time I was upset, to remember that somewhere in the world was someone who cared, even if only a little. Oh well.***Yeah, I TOTALLY suck at goodbyes. I usu. just slink away...
I listen to T phone message, it makes me feel better too.
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> As far as my brother, this will sound like a disgusting, cold-hearted thing, but I'm kinda trying to push it to the back of my mind for now. He wouldn't even listen to us. He made promises, my parents believe them, and denial has begun to, once again, cover the tracks of his addiction. Nothing I do will save him.***You SO got that right. Good for you!!!! He will not quit using until HE wants to quit, and anything you say against it will just make him mad. If you enable him by giving him free place to stay and $$ and stuff, then you are just enabling him and that doesn't help either. Addiction hurts so many :-(
I hurt alot of people. I try not to think of it. I just thank God I'm not there anymore. Still WANT to but don't.
> And with the disability stuff, that's another reason why I feel like an ungrateful, picky b*tch for betraying, or questioning, my T. He's trying to help me figure all that out. He fills out forms. Writes letters. Looks into things. For all the times I describe his "bad" qualities, there are many other lovely ones. When I see others my age go to clubs, or starting families, or going on trips, or even just getting dressed up in business clothes to go to work, I feel sick to my stomach, and I want to just collapse where I'm standing and cry and cry, and never get up, until they cart me away. So my T is helping with that.***It sounds like he is helping ALOT. Too much. He is keeping you in your helpless position.
I'm so, so sorry things are so hard for you. It breaks my heart. I can see why this T is so important to you. And he proly means well, but he IS screwing up.
Is there any possibility of you finding a new T ? You could still be friends with old T, he could still help you out. But a least then you'll have a truly neautral party to help you. Boundaries are REALLY important. I'm just understanding that myself. You CAN'T do therapy with the guy your with now. It is NOT true therapy. It is not possible with things as they are. You are too busy worrying about him. That does not work. You will not get ahead.
Your such a neat sounding person, but it does sound like you have some stuff you need to work thru in order to improve your life.
But you can't do it with him.
You just can't.
I don't know it all, this is just my honest opinion. But I feel strongly about it, and I post about it, cuz you seem like such a cool person, and so I care.
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> I still think about my T's offer to send me back to school. even thinking of the possibility of him buying me my doctor (in a way) helps me keep going. It will be the first time I have absolutely no one at all!! I recognize the connotations in the situation. I do - that's the first idea that popped into my head. It's just that alot of the time I feel like I would sell the world, nevermind only myself, to get a little relief.
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***You wouldn't get releif, you would just get more pain.
Its an illusion. It would just make things so much ore complicated. It would ruin everything. Including your self respect, and any respect you have for your T.
You need a little releif, punch a wall. Not good, but a whole lot better than accepting $$ from T. I'm serious. Very very serious. Short term pain. Short term reeif, but better than long term pain.
I care El.
And your not alone, you have us too.
Sometimes I come and go cuz I got my own weird sh*t happening too, but that don't mean I don't care.
So take care, hope you can hear what we are saying.
Hope you feel a little less alone.
Muffly
poster:muffled
thread:664245
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/665256.html