Posted by orchid on June 22, 2006, at 19:42:41
In reply to Re: Am I being too selfish » orchid, posted by Tamar on June 22, 2006, at 18:59:47
> Hi Orchid,
>
> I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. It is very difficult to be like a parent to your parents. And this is clearly distressing to you. If you didn’t want to hear about it because you thought it was boring, that might be selfish. But that isn’t the case. You are experiencing real anguish when your mother talks about her pain.---Orchid
Thanks. That makes sense.
>
> I’m not sure why you feel that way. Maybe you’re right about the sense of guilt, although I don’t think God gave your pain to our mother. But I can imagine that you might feel guilty even though you’re not guilty. Guilt is a strange thing.----Orchid.
Yes, logically I know I don't have to feel guilty. There is no way I could have given it to her - it would be reverse inheritance :-) And I know it doesn't work that way. But sometimes she uses this guilt trap to me, and I fall for it too. She says it is because of all the worrying about me that she got her diabetes, and it makes me really mad. I know if I didn't cause her to worry, she will simply find something else to worry about. But anyway, she is a nice person, so I don't really hold it against her.>
> I suppose the biggest question is how to deal with it. I imagine she will be hurt if you simply ignore her. So I guess it’s a matter or trying to find a way to listen to her, or trying to find a way of telling her gently that you don’t have the emotional resources to listen when she talks about her RA pain.---Orchid
Yeah, but the poor thing doesn't really means any harm. She is just very helpless and sad most of the time, and it just breaks my heart to see her in some form of pain or the other all the time.
>
> In order to listen to her, you may have to desensitize yourself a bit. You might find it helpful to do some reading about RA pain, or to talk about RA with someone else (someone you feel comfortable with). Sometimes just getting used to seeing and hearing the words can help a bit. I know you know all about the pain, but that’s not quite the same thing as being able to listen to someone else’s account of it.
>---Orchid
True - one thing I have found out for myself is, as a way of coping with the pain, I avoid it. I don't remember my pain - not even a little bit. If you ask me how much I suffered all these past 11 years, I would be perhaps able to recount it logically, but never emotionally. I just don't feel it, and I don't have any emotional scars left from all that intense pain. I guess when someone tries to bring it out, it kind of makes me very afraid if I will succumb to it.
> If you think you can tell her gently that it’s a difficult subject for you, I think it will probably be quite hard. I don’t know how close you are to your mother; I suspect not as close as she would like. And maybe her RA pain seems intrusive to you; maybe you feel she’s using it (however unconsciously) as a means of getting closer to you. I don’t mean this in a bad way, of course, and indeed I may be completely wrong. I’m just extrapolating from stuff you’ve said before about your family dynamics when you were growing up. But if there’s anything in this possibility, it might require quite a lot of hard work from you to try to renegotiate your relationship with your mother.
---Orchid
I have that feeling too. She tries to gain love through pain and sympathy. I don't blame her for it - that was the way she used to get atleast a little bit of caring from my dad. And maybe if I just give her unconditional love and caring she might not feel the need to use the pain as a way to get close. But my emotional resources are also quite limited, and it is hard to do it.
>
> Sorry that I don’t have any good answers. I hope you manage to work things out with her.
>
> Tamar
>
Orchid
Thanks a lot Tamar. That was quite so very helpful, and I think you are right on about the things. Thanks again.
poster:orchid
thread:660165
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/660278.html