Posted by bent on June 12, 2006, at 13:02:06
I am about to either call my T or send her a letter explaining that I will not be at our appointment next week. I only left her office an hour ago but I am not sure I can go back. Maybe just not next week or maybe not ever. I had to stop on my way back from my appointment because I was crying so much. Thoughts of never seeing my T again were crushing my heart. I managed to tell my T about learning that my cousin and her daughter were friends and graduated from HS together (see post from a few days ago). It was so hard. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t change her expression or anything. I felt that she was uncomfortable. So I was uncomfortable. Maybe we were both projecting on to the other. I managed to say that this was a weird coincidence that really shook me up for a while but that it dissipated. She seemed to understand that much. She seemed kinda normal the rest of the session but I wasn’t. I had really thought I was going to be able to tell her about knowing where she lives but I couldn’t. I felt that just the daughter thing made her uncomfortable. Maybe I know too much. Maybe that is what’s ruining my therapy. I now know who her daughters and her husband are (not in person), I know where she lives, I even know her daughter’s myspace profile. The myspace thing was the only one I ever went looking for. Everything else was just random. I watched my T as she wrote out my appointment card. Looking at her I thought, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t even tell her what I feel has come between us. At the same time I could be totally throwing a relationship away because I am blowing out of proportion. I think about the real issues we are in the middle of working on right now and how hard it will be to just drop it all. It feels like I have to. I hate her right now. And I hate me too for ever letting my self attach.
poster:bent
thread:655952
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/655952.html