Posted by Jost on June 6, 2006, at 23:06:09
In reply to I don't think CBT works well for severe depression » Reggie BoStar, posted by orchid on June 5, 2006, at 16:57:09
To go back to one thing (and not to belabor it, but to ask):
At one point, you say you haven't done anything, and at another point that you haven't done anything fulfilling. These are different, possibly--because in the latter case, you could have done things, but they might not feel fulfilling.
I say this because this is the case with me, especially at some points. Now is one. I've done various things, at times, that have had the potential to be meaningful, but they don't amount to anything that seems to justify the trouble (pain) of being alive, and all that.
Last night, I had a terrible nightmare in which everyone was being killed by terrorists, and I'm sure I was about to be killed, and I was just trying to escape or hide, but knew that I would eventually be killed, in this kind of senseless, brutal, horrible way. But it wasn't just that--while I was dreaming, I had the thought that even if I didn't die at that moment, eventually I would die, and it would be just about as horrible, brutal, and senseless as this (ie being killed by terrorists) was.
When I woke up, a friend was trying to tell me it was just a dream and that I must have heard on the radio that some Iraqis had been pulled out of a bus and killed. But that only make it worse.
I was thinking this before I went to bed, because my work seems utterly futile and pointless, and the other things I've tried never amounted to much. I'm angry at my therapist, and feel that he can't help. And I perceive him to be very disapproving and frustrated with me because I haven't done better, become successful, turned over a new leaf.
Also I have this chronic shoulder injury, which means I'm in a moderate or more amount of pain when I work (my work involves a fair amount of heavy use of my arm)--and so I dread doing it and dread not doing it, because that makes my life even more empty.
Yet I haven't done nothing-- I've done things, even things that are pretty good-- although no one has seen them and I haven't been successful in the world. I can't make money, and often waste time, because I"m afraid to assert myself with people I work with--I let them do a bad job and try to make up for it, which gets in my way, and then blame myself for not demanding more. But I'm afraid of alienating them completely with my demands.
Sorry for ranting, but I've been so very oppressed with the question you posed at the beginning the thread. I wish there were some answer, method of just attaining meaning and then having a hold on it.
Sometimes I think the only way is just by insisting to yourself that it's there-- in the way CBT says you should struggle against useless or unhelpful beliefs. But it's very hard to do that, too, when you feel overwhelmed with the futility of things, and exhausted or in pain.
So, what have you done, even if it's not fulfilling? Maybe if you argued with your belief that it's not worth anything, you'd slowly be able to believe something different.Jost
poster:Jost
thread:652797
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/653890.html