Posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 18:35:09
In reply to Oh drat. The suspense heightens., posted by Dinah on June 6, 2006, at 12:16:56
so we can't change our minds.
My husband feels reasonably good about it. It's what he had decided last night, and it turns out he misunderstood his boss and everything's ok there.
But I feel a bit bad (and very relieved). I think all this coming and going and toing and froing was because of me more than anything else. And I think it came from the gap between what I wanted to be and what I really was.
I wanted to be the sort of person who could let go and move on if that's what made her husband happy and secure. And I kept trying to convince myself of that, and him. But I'm not. :( When push came to shove, I got hysterical every time and sobbed and cried until I nearly made myself sick and in some cases self injured and in general acted like a two year old in a tantrum. And the most I could do about it was to tell my husband to ignore me when I'm acting like that, and that I probably would act like that, and that he shouldn't let it affect what we did any more than he would let my son's reaction to leaving affect our decision.
And today I got angry at having to do that over and over and shouted at him that it wasn't fair to expect me to convince him to go tell his boss that we were leaving. That I said to ignore me and tell his boss we were leaving, and it wasn't fair for him to ask me to repeat it over and over and reassure him that it's what I really wanted while I was crying so hard. That I had told him for weeks to ignore me when I got upset and I didn't see what more I could do.
I wish I were a better person.
Because I know my therapist isn't worth getting all this upset over that I can't bring myself to be happy about a move that otherwise I'd probably find positive and exciting.
And I kept telling my husband that too. That my therapist was likely to take another job or move away or die or something, and it didn't make sense to stay because of him.
But in the end, I guess my husband couldn't manage to ignore me. He's been really nice about it. He said that sure, my therapist may not be worth it in general, but he's worth it to me. And that he couldn't bring himself to do something that upset me so much, unless the alternative was immediate unemployment. And that everything would be ok.
My husband was perfectly wonderful. But I wasn't. :(
I have real trouble not living up to my own expectations.
Why on earth am I so attached to this man? Why on earth can't I let go, even after all that's happened? Why can't I be the person I want to be?
Maybe if it ever comes up again, I'll make sure I'm on enough medication that I can manage to do the right thing. And why on earth didn't that occur to me earlier? On six Risperdal a day, I probably wouldn't have noticed I was leaving my therapist. I am a total idiot not to have thought of that.
poster:Dinah
thread:653385
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/653773.html