Posted by Daisym on June 4, 2006, at 23:07:51
Dear daisy:
You are the surprise of my life. I never knew I had you in me, I never knew I had parts and pieces of me that carried old hurts and old hopes. I never knew how much you hurt and how much you needed to be heard. I just never knew.
I've been haunted my whole life by sadness and longing. My mother used to say, "I never know how to make you happy." And then I'd try really hard to rearrange my face and put on a smile and go get another A...just so she would think I was happy. I took very good care of my mother, and my brothers and my sister. And I took very good care of my children and my husband and my friends. The only person I didn't take care of was you. I'm sorry for that. I just never knew how.
I know you still hurt immensely. I know you feel trapped and betrayed by a body you despise. I know you are scared witless about what comes next and about failing. And mostly you are waiting for the world to see what a fake you are and to reject and scorn you. Eventually someone will see your secret shame and hold you accountable for it. I didn't realize just how exhausting it has been for you to hold that emotional armor in place, and how big your fear is that it is slipping. I just never knew.
But I know now. And I'm trying to hold on and help you be heard and find healing. But we have to work together and I can't keep fighting off your urge to give up. I know it is warranted and comes from an old place that is filled with the blackest of black thoughts. But I'm asking you to try to just choose life. Let go of wanting to die and instead begin to hope that you can eventually find something that fills up that void inside. That means facing down old demons instead of bailing. It means gathering up your courage and trusting that someone might love you someday. And...might let you love them back. It's a novel concept - love without pain, sacrifice and hurt. But oh, what a concept it is!
There is hope daisy, you just have to have faith. God has given you some special people to help you on this journey towards choosing life. Lean on them, cry on them, let them make you laugh. Happiness isn't something you can find all by yourself. You have to be willing to accept help and let it find you.
Just like I found you.
Choose life, daisy. Choose life.
poster:Daisym
thread:653016
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/653016.html