Posted by llrrrpp on May 23, 2006, at 11:12:51
In reply to Re: scared of going to the hospital *trigger* » llrrrpp, posted by Larry Hoover on May 23, 2006, at 8:53:24
> > If you were my T, what would you do?
> > If I were my T, I'd put me on a close watch, but let me free.
>
> As would I. Close support, with your continued freedom.
>
> Suicide by starvation really isn't suicide. It takes too long for it to represent a single thought. I would consider what you describe to be parasuicidal behaviour. It is you raising the white flag, and showing everyone you have the red flag at your side.I know it's not suicide. It's a way to bide my time and live off of the blubber as a proxy for hope. Because given the option of death or suffering through life, I chose the latter. And I didn't anticipate it, but I think the fasting is giving me some kind of euphoric feeling, which is also welcome, given that I felt so dead, for so long.
> That is fine, for now.
>
> You have us, after all. You are not alone, unless you refute the connection with Babblers. Alone is a decision. You could call the same thing solitude.
>Alone is a decision. Yes in the virtual world, it is a decision for me to post and reply. BUT, in the real world, Alone is the default, for hours and days at a time. Having said that, I think I'm addicted to PBabble. it's better than writing in my journal, because I get a reply, and because I have to think about being civil. My journal entries tend to go off the deep end, of late, and so I'm not sure that they are helping me make sense of stuff. Just having to edit my thoughts to make them sensible and nonoffensive to strangers is pretty good for helping me think. Writing DEMANDS a certain discipline of thought, which is therapeutic, in itself.
> You are very new to both psychotherapy and to meds, I presume, from what you said already?
Yes, correct on both counts. I used to take pride that I was the only healthy one in the family. What arrogance. I should have listened and learned fom others' experiences. I didn't know I would have a turn myself. I started noticing mood symptoms months ago, and when the physiological symptoms commenced, I knew the diagnosis. I'm still figuring out what therapy is all about, and what is reasonable to expect in terms of recovery/remission and effects of medicines. I'm very impatient.
The longer this stupid depression takes, the less it feels like a speed-bump on the way to the rest of my life, and the more it feels like it will become the rest of my life.
> It takes time. Really what we have to remedy, this malady, whatever it is, is timeless. Unfortunately for us, the rest of the world is welded to clocks and calendars.
>
> Simplify your life. That is what is called for. Postpone what can be postponed. Cancel what can be cancelled. Cut the links to clock and calendar, to the extent that you are able. Manage what is left, rather than those other compelling links to time.
>Honestly, I think that this is why suicide rates increase slightly by taking AD. It's because I had hope. I could interpret any little thing as progress, and it was pretty cool. But sometimes life throws you a curveball, and some of us just aren't quick enough to catch it, and it smashes into one's face instead. I thought I was doing well, since I was coping pretty well with bad news. What I didn't anticipate was my averse reaction to GOOD news. Live and learn.
I have simplified my life to the extent that I can without giving up my social relationships. Fortunately, I'm kind of my own boss right now, so I keep my appointments to a minimum. I'm good at saying "no". I also have an assistant, who is wonderful, and probably assumes I'm crazy because I always show up in the wrong place at the wrong time. At least one of us is organized, though.
A problem, concerning the loneliness thing is that most of my socializing takes place in bars. I feel a lot of pressure from my friends to drink and be merry. I can't drink because of the medicines. They know something is up. I used to be the first one to suggest happy hour/ pub night. Now I go home early, by myself, and so, I'm kind of out of the loop. I think a big project this week will be to inform some of my non-happy-hour friends that I'm not doing so well. Right now I can count the people "in the know" on one hand. (well, besides the 500+ lurkers on psycho-babble, that is). I'm starting to regret that, because 2 of them are my docs, and 2 of them never answer my e-mails, and the other one is out of town. So, I think I will have a heart-to-heart with a friend who is kind and lives nearby and isn't a wild child.
> All will be well. Seriously. I know that. All will be well.
>
> Lar
>I'm convinced, and I feel okay. I just need to remember these messages when the darkness beckons. I need to feel safe enough to reach out for help when I need it, before I let things spiral out of control. I was strong enough to survive this time, but that's because I was exhausted, and because I knew that I had obligations. And, because I knew that I could sedate myself and just collapse and reevaluate in the morning. And, because i had a stop-gap solution that brought me some relief. I have been engaging in plenty of mind-numbing behaviors in the meanwhile to disengage from the pain. I don't know if this is therapeutic or not, but here I am. Today I feel like a perfectly reasonable human (well, except for the hunger strike, which is decidedly not normal. but whatever)
Thanks for your kindness. It gives me strength
poster:llrrrpp
thread:647225
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/647278.html