Posted by DisposableDoll on May 18, 2006, at 23:41:36
Okay, here's the deal, I know I ask for a lot more than I give here and for that I apologize. I also know that I have yet to respond to a lot of stuff, but I went away for awhile because I've had things going on. Things that I both need to talk about, yet am afraid to speak of, so I'm going to stay quite for the moment if not longer, about that at least.
So, anyways, I have read all replies, I really do appreciate them, and they do help me, and I just wnated everyone to know that. I tried to reply to a reply to a previous post of mine and accidentally erased my reply. Great, right? *Sighs* Anyways, I wanted to post this to mention two things.
1. My T mentioned me coming to group sessions. I'm assuming this is to be in conjuction with my reg. appointments. I am supposed to go tomorrow at 2 for the first time. Everyone in this area knows everyone else and I sometimes get nervous with other people so I'm not sure how that will go. Also, I may not even go tomorrow, since I have other things that will take priority if they come up. Okay, besides that I wanted to say.....
2. Someone on here asked if I'd ever had someone suggest that I may have BPD (borderline personality disorder, NOT Bipolar). No, I haven't, except for some quizzes I did online for fun. However, since you have mentioned this, I took a trivia quiz and some of the things that were symptoms of BPD struck me as familiar. I've been doing some research and here's the thing-
The quiz mentioned these symptoms-
1. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation - in a way, yes, I do do this.
2. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - I have abandonment issues and I tend to be paranoid, so sometimes my fears are over imagined threats of abandonment
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self - Not so sure about this one. Need elaboration
4. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior - yes, I do this somewhat. I sometimes self harm. I have suicidal thoughts and I have threatened it repetitively.
Okay so I started to look around since the trivia quiz was about several disorders and didn't focus on BPD. On one site, I found these symptoms-
1. Affect
chronic/major depression - chronic, yes. Actually I was told I may have some disorder that I think was called Dystimia or something and meant ongoing depression. And as for major, it's not usually major, but I think it has been.helplessness - yes, I feel this way somewhat
hopelessness - sometimes, but other times I get oddly optimisticworthlessness - yeah, in a way I do feel worthless, but I think that is ebcause I HONESTLY am
guilt - yes, when I'm capable of feeling and caring
anger (including frequent expressions of anger) - yeah, I have an anger problem
anxiety - yes
loneliness - OH, BUT YESSSSSS Though back when I had him, I didn't feel this way.
boredom - somewhat
emptiness - yes, often
2. Cognition
odd thinking - define odd
unusual perceptions - somewhat I suppose, but I need elaboration, once again
nondelusional paranoia - yes. I am somewhat paranoid.
quasipsychosis - er, explain
3. Impulse action patterns
substance abuse/dependence - Abuse, yes, dependance, no unless you count caffeine.
sexual deviance - define deviance
manipulative suicide gestures - yes, I think to some degree I have, though I have sincerely considered suicide, as well
other impulsive behaviors - yes
4. Interpersonal relationships
intolerance of aloneness - to some degree
abandonment, engulfment, annihilation fears - yes, oh, but yes
counterdependency - counter dependency? I know what dependency is, but what is counterdependency?
stormy relationships - somewhat. Depends on what relationship, to a degree
manipulativeness - somewhat. I was really manipulative and domineering as a child. WHEW!
dependency - somewhat
devaluation - sometimes
masochism/sadism - somewhat, but hey that can be fun in the sack (sorry if this upsets anyone- Really)
demandingness- often in a way, I suppose
entitlement - Not really, but then again if you feel mostly worthless and guilty as described above, why feel entitled to anything?
Later, I found this-1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5) - yes
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. - yes, somewhat3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. - somewhat
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating; [not including] suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5). - yes
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior - yes
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) - yes, sometimes, but sometimes it lasts shorter or longer
7. chronic feelings of emptiness. - yes, somewhat
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). - yes, somewhat....though some would say yes, a lot
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.- somewhat
However, I often feel somewhat numb, so I am not sure I am passionate enough to have BPD or that I am black and white enough. For a long time I think I did somewhat see people in more black and white terms, not compeltely, but quite a bit at times, though now I have managed to be more accepting of people's dark sides and not quite so snappy about such things. I mean, I won't necessarily like certain things about them, but I can avoid letting that make me think they are completely bad. Do I sound like I have BPD or not? I don't see my shrink for a one on one session for awhile. I will bring it up then if I can remember to. Thanks.
DisposableDoll
poster:DisposableDoll
thread:645776
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/645776.html