Posted by llrrrpp on May 9, 2006, at 17:01:32
Hi people,
I know I'm new here, but you all seem to have such nice advice, or at least support when there is no sensible advice to give. I feel so down. i just want to go away. I started seeing T 7 weeks ago, because I knew that I couldn't make depression go away on my own. I was still going downhill, and was really worried about what would happen if I didn't seek treatment. I started medicine 1 week ago (cymbalta). I have had such bad insomnia for months that I asked my pdoc for help and he gave me seroquel. I took a tiny dose of seroquel, which helped me sleep. I woke up full of hope this morning, thinking that I would finally be able to get a little living done, now that I got a decent night's sleep. After lunch, I felt a psychological collapse. I went home from work after a half-day, and I've been crashed on the couch, wondering whether I should drink myself into a stupor (I've never done this, by the way), or hurt myself (to equalize pain on inside and outside). I'm not suicidal, but I have morbid thoughts, and no belief in myself to get better. I read people's posts about years of AD trial and error, and I feel like even more of a loser, that I've only been suffering for months, (I haven't even reached a therapeutic dose of cymbalta) and some people have been living with this for years. I must be so weak to have hit bottom so soon, and such a hypochondriac to e-mail pdoc about insomnia. I don't know where the depression starts and ends, and I'm scared that I've forgotten what 'normal' feels like. What's more is that the drugs I'm taking are totally messing with my moods (duh) -- every hour I feel different, sometimes antsy and anxious, sometimes sedated and numb, sometimes intoxicated, sometimes optimistic. I feel like it's out of control, and I feel so isolated, becuase I don't know anyone else who's going through anything like this. And I've had some side-effects from the medication, that I wasn't necessarily expecting, and I feel like a burden when I email my pdoc and tell him my concerns. I think he's actually quite talented and kind, but I'm such a novice with all of this.If I had cancer, I'd want to know about the biology of the illness. I feel like my doctors (T and pdoc working as a team) are giving me things to try and medicine to take, without telling me what to expect, or what's wrong with me. As a cognitive neuroscientist, I am happy to look up information on the internet, but I'm worried that I am biased and not objective. Much of the information I come across just makes me more anxious (so many of the studies are poorly designed and inconclusive, not to mention the conflicts of interest when a drug company is pushing their product and not publishing null results). I wish I had a buddy who was also feeling like a lab rat. The loneliness of it all is the worst.
poster:llrrrpp
thread:641878
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060505/msgs/641878.html