Posted by Tamar on March 30, 2006, at 7:09:14
In reply to Still Needy - Big Trigger, posted by Daisym on March 30, 2006, at 1:38:54
> I'm having such a hard week. My guys came home for spring break and I'm finding all the boy energy overwhelming.
Because it’s boys or because it’s a lot of energy? Sorry, wasn’t sure which you meant.
> And I was so worried that my kids somehow knew about the abuse, that it was written all over me because I told.
The way you phrased that resonates so much with me. I often feel that my experience of rape is written all over me. And I don’t want my kids to see it, even though they’re too young to understand. And I don’t want anyone else to see it either; the idea that it can be seen makes me feel vulnerable to revictimization.
A couple of weeks ago I cut myself a lot, and I realised that the cutting was a way of writing it on the surface. So I decided to write with a pen instead of a knife. I wrote all kinds of things all over my body. And then it was definitely written all over me. I used indelible pen, so it took a few days to wash off, and although I didn’t write anywhere that would be visible with clothes on, it was visible whenever I was undressed. And then, once it had all washed off, I realised how part of my difficulty is that it is invisible. And I wonder if that’s part of the issue for you. After all, if it had in fact been written all over you, someone would have rescued you. But abusers hide their abuse and make sure it can’t be seen.
And I also realised when I wrote on myself that me pain and my experience was already inscribed all over me. In other words, being raped is inscribed on my body and my mind. I can’t wash it off like I washed off the pen; it’s like a series of scars. I don’t want to show them to people, but I also don’t want to continue to be ashamed of them. So for me, it’s both visible and invisible, and neither feels comfortable.
> I also told him, through the tears, how every part of me felt about telling other people. We went through all the age states. And I told him about the increase in flashbacks that are happening. I didn't expect to have such a volatile outburst. It felt like it came out of nowhere and I just couldn't stop.
It’s hard when that happens. And I wonder if the desire to tell other people is partly a hope that if other people know about it you’ll be safer; not just the age states who remember and want to be rescued, but also in your current life. I’m sure you know from your professional experience that an abused child can usually only be helped if he or she finds a way to tell, and the fear of consequences can prevent a child telling. And yet, one thing that I think is different now (compared with when I was a kid) is that a great many adults are aware of the extent of the problem of child sexual abuse. So I think (and I hope) that children who tell nowadays are more likely to be believed and protected from their abusers. And maybe you deserve some of that being believed, even though it was years ago and you are no longer a child. Do you feel that telling other people would be helpful to you? What does your therapist think about it?
> So of course, I hit the wrong button and immediately deleted the message. I was so upset that without thinking and no pride, I called him and said that the message was perfect, but that I, like an idiot, deleted it. And could he please call and leave it for me again. Because I NEEDED that message. Well, he did! and he was pretty great about it all today. He said he could understand deleting it, and then wanting it back. I don't think I convinced him deleting it was an accident.
That was a lovely message. It’s great that he got it exactly right. Maybe he thinks your unconscious deleted it on purpose, even if you believed consciously that it was an accident. In which case, perhaps you might remind yourself that you deserve that message and that it won’t get you in any trouble?
> How can I be this glad that I have a therapist who will meet these needs and be this mortified for having them at? I think the psyche is twisted.
Yeah, sometimes it feels as if the psyche is twisted! I guess it takes time to get used to the idea that you are allowed to have those needs, after years of denying them. If it were anyone else, you’d understand instantly that their needs are acceptable; but it’s always harder to believe it of ourselves, isn’t it?
I’m so glad you have such a great therapist.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:626434
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/626473.html