Posted by pegasus on March 28, 2006, at 11:31:26
Last night I had a really hard time thinking about my ex-therapist. I was pondering whether to ask him to do phone therapy (see related thread a couple of weeks ago), and I just got really upset again. Strangely, all of those feelings are totally gone now. But I want to write them down somewhere. It's going to be weird to write this from an emotionally distant perspective. But here goes:
Even now, over 2 years since I last spoke to him, I think about him unreasonably often. Somehow during my therapy with him, he became the thing I grounded myself to. When he left, that floor gave out. I've built it back up from broken boards, and feel grounded again now most of the time. But when I need extra grounding - when I'm especially stressed - my mind still reaches back to remember his attention and interest and availability and caring. And then I realize that it isn't actually there anymore, and I'm on my own up in thin air. But, it feels like he's still there. I mean, reaching back in my mind for him actually still helps. Sometimes I email him to touch ground. And half the time he sends a quick reply, half the time he doesn't. I know he's doing the best he can. It's probably hard for him to know what's most helpful for me. To stay in contact, or to not. It's hard for me to know, too.
What I hate is that I'm still reaching back for him. And I hate finding him only somewhat, tentatively, sometimes, less and less there. I tried to find someone else to help ground me, but it didn't work. She was good, but I never reach back for her when things get tough. Why not? What do I need to do to get truly grounded again? I want to ask him to be there again, but I'm not sure if that's healthy. I fantasize that it would be great, but would real life live up? Or would I just be face to face again with our inability to end my therapy well. My hurt and anger and acting out . . . his defensiveness and denial and sticking to his usual stance even after it became unhelpful.
I feel as though there's more to say here, but can't find it right now . . .
peg
poster:pegasus
thread:625498
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/625498.html