Posted by Veracity on March 27, 2006, at 21:21:47
In reply to What do you feel when you look back?, posted by orchid on March 27, 2006, at 18:45:09
Lately, I've been doing a lot of looking back over both my life and my therapy. I feel so much regret. The logical part of me compares where I am now to where I was four years ago before I started therapy and I KNOW I'm so much healthier now but I still feel like I wasted all that time. The feeling part of me is just like, "What's the point?"
I feel very ashamed of how I was, both growing up and in therapy. There's so much about myself I hate. I try to do better and in many ways, I do, but it's so hard to let go of the past and forgive myself.
I "remember" my therapist fondly (it's only been a week since termination!) but in a way I wish I could just make her forget all about me. I think I've disappointed her - I didn't try as hard in therapy as I could have. Maybe she doesn't feel that way and I'm transferring (or whatever?), I dunno. Either way, I feel like such a failure! I know that's not logical, it's distorted thinking, blah blah blah - but it is certainly how I feel.
I think my therapist did truly care about my mental well-being, though toward the end of therapy I think she considered me much more of a job. She may have still cared, but I think the burden of dealing with my negative thinking was weighing on her. Termination was the best option.
Therapy did help me but I'm beginning to think it was just a band-aid. This no-doubt has everything to do with my reluctance to really deal with the issues I needed to deal with... but it was a failure nonetheless. And I hate that so much. Because it was the one thing in my life that you're not supposed to fail at. I mean, it's just talking about yourself. There are no wrong answers.
My therapist was the one, sure person who didn't judge me (I hope) and who offered me a really meaningful and healthy perspective on my life and I totally messed it up. I just burned that bridge to the ground. It would seem so easy, that I could just call her up and be all, "Hey, I'm gonna come back to therapy for the zillionth time and I'm sure in another six months I'll just quit again so let's go!" but I refuse to try and fail AGAIN. She would most likely take me back (as always) and be just as patient as nice as ever but even I know when enough is enough.
Ugh, I'm so disgusted with myself. I hate that I do this!
poster:Veracity
thread:625262
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/625325.html