Posted by Racer on February 13, 2006, at 20:22:05
I'm having such a bad day, which I won't go into, but I can feel myself kinda holding back, pretending to be functional, and having this background buzz of falling entirely to pieces. I can feel the tears behind my eyes, and they have come out now and again today, but mostly, I kinda feel as though I'm trying to hide from myself. Does that make any sense? Nope, not a lick of it.
Here's the thing -- despite the acknowledged fact that I cry at Victorian costumes, I get into a sort of forced functionalism (for lack of a better way to describe it) usually right on the verge of crashing badly. That's my fear -- and I think it's a real one, too. This is how I feel right before breaking down totally, and I don't know what to do about it. I know, talk to my T, and I will, but in the meantime, I feel as though I need somehow to vent the pressure. And the pressure is *intense* right now. So much so, it's hard for me to talk. (uh-oh, another sign I'm getting quite depressed) And I don't know how to let out little sips of pressure -- I need the emotional Tupperware burping lid, I guess.
I don't want this to happen, I am sick to death of feeling so rotten. On the way home today, I found myself just wondering if I'd regret being killed in a car accident. Not planning anything like that, but thinking about whether I really wanted all this to end. Wondering if I'd have a regret at the last minute. And truly not wanting to go through another day of all this.
Gee, I guess, while writing this, I've answered my original question pretty well -- I'm becoming dangerously depressed again. Guess that also answers whether or not Wellbutrin is doing much for me...
poster:Racer
thread:609277
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060211/msgs/609277.html