Posted by Dinah on February 9, 2006, at 20:04:31
In reply to I think I want to talk about this in therapy, posted by happyflower on February 9, 2006, at 18:09:29
I think the key to happiness is low expectations, but not so low that you expect nothing. I think the key is to have expectations that are achievable by the person you're expecting them from.
And usually it's possible to have some expectations of nearly everyone that they can meet. And that helps you view them differently.
Nothing will turn my husband into an empath. And wanting him to be more sensitive and nurturing will leave me hurting. But I can easily expect him to be reliable, supportive, faithful, and an assortment of other things that he can do easily. I feel better about him because he's meeting my expectations. And he feels better about me because he knows he's meeting my expectations. Our marriage ends up far more pleasant.
In the same way, if he has expectations that I'll be great at sex, or remember obligations without prompting, he'll be really disappointed. But if he expects me to do the things I'm good at, he can appreciate me.
I don't think children gain much benefit from parents staying together in a totally miserable way. But I think children gain a lot from parents staying together and making the most of what they've got - if both parents are reasonably good parents.
Is your husband a good dad? Are there things you do like about him? Are there things about him you could like even more if you thought about them? Can you respect him? Can he behave with respect towards you?
You're right about the typical economic status of women after divorce. That's no reason to stay with someone abusive. But it definitely is a consideration in the real world.
I'm a big believer in the good enough marriage, spouse, parent, etc. Can your marriage be good enough?
poster:Dinah
thread:608063
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060131/msgs/608106.html