Posted by Racer on January 26, 2006, at 13:38:01
Sorry to sound so much like a whining parrot, but I feel very hopeless today.
I've been feeling very bad lately, and I don't think it's all psychological: I think the meds are involved in this. I was trying to explain to my therapist, who suggested a personal trainer she works with as a way to find out how much is fixable by more effort on my part. I've been feeling as though I'm kinda trapped inside myself, as though I have energy, but I can't get to the surface of myself to use it. And even just walking up the stairs feels impossible, as though my legs won't respond to my brain. I know, it's not making a lot of sense, but it's like I'm so withdrawn inside myself that I just *can't* do anything. I did try to exercise at home a week or so ago, and literally COULD NOT do it. I felt much worse after giving up, too, than I had before I tried.
So, the personal trainer was to try to see if that was physical or psychological. And I called my husband to see if I could do it. He said yes -- but that it couldn't be a regular thing. So, I made an appointment for the consultation. Only to have him come home and start on the "we need to talk about money, because you don't even look at our financial position, etc." (Money is a major hot button for me, and does send me over the edge -- especially when it's thrown at me out of the blue and when he's doing his usual 'no point, just going on about how much I don't pay attention to it.') So, I cancelled the appointment.
And I feel as though I'm never going to get anywhere. Our marriage counseling is circling the drain and I'm more frustrated every week. The insurance company just informed me that they are requesting a refund from my nutritional counselor, because they should never have paid for any of it. I don't feel at all comfortable with the new pdoc -- so much so I'm ready to stop all the drugs. (Which I am ready to do anyway, to see if that helps with that paralysed feeling.)
I think I'm just whining. I wish I knew what to do -- I would schedule extra therapy, but if we can't afford the PT, we obviously can't afford that. I think it's time for a nap, because I feel so overwhelmed by life today that being awake seems like a lousy idea.
poster:Racer
thread:603035
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060121/msgs/603035.html