Posted by Susan47 on January 20, 2006, at 23:30:54
In reply to Re: Help, nightmares, posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 19:41:48
> Keep in mind comparing substance abuse is only partially useful to your situation. The concepts may be similar, but the lack of a concrete chemical changes things.
>
Not exactly, perhaps, in my case. Because my chemical is THC, and it's daily. Daily. I'm losing memory. It's affected my career. It's affected my personal life. (That, perhaps, for the better though, which is frustrating, that I believe this)> I actually think you can over time influence your dreams to a certain degree. If you plant you want to happen sometimes in the midst of dreaming you will remember. Unfortunately with Nightmares, all bets are off.
My dear James, you are brilliant and WHY oh why, haven't I done this before? YES!!! I begin tonight. Tonight, now, when I go to bed, as I relax into sleep, I will talk to myself and suggest many wonderful, good ways I can be. I will be. James, I love you. I don't know who you are, but you're wonderful too. Keep talking, I need you here, now, and if you're scatterbrained then I'm a complete fool and idiot (True, that, actually...)
> I hope some of this helps, I'm a little scatterbrained right now.
> James K
Thank you, lovely man. And I'm going to tell myself no more nightmares, no more bad feelings, no more bad dreams. And tomorrow will be a much better day, although today started off very, very badly. I think maybe part of feeling good and living without my drug is learning to protect myself from feeling badly about me. And if my life goes well, I won't have to kill myself. I won't have to live with humiliation either, and I won't have to brand my descendants with shame, if I'm not shamed.
I'm so scared, I'm so sick .. I physically hurt. The pain was gone, for a little while, when I felt I could defend myself, but now all props are gone, I see myself for who, for what, I am. I feel sad, and sick, and like I'm living in a nightmare, but the nightmare's real, I'm hated and despised, I think he feels SORRY for me, I think he feels SAD that this happened, I think he feels ANGRY that I took advantage of him, I think he feels DISILLUSIONED about this, about me, about who I turned out to be ... he doesn't see. I know he doesn't know, or understand, or want to be kind. I know who he is, I think.. I believe I created that in this lovely, kind person, someone who didn't mean to hurt me or poison the relationship .. but I spilled verbal abuse and created emotional poison by venting a lifetime of frustration and despair, and he listened silently, not demanding anything, simply, sexily, there. Just there, looking, approving, disapproving, kindly, frustrated, distant, befuddled ... and, sometimes, amused. Sometimes, softly emotional. Sometimes proud. I loved all of it, all the looks, all the words, everything. I loved being there, I loved looking at his face, his hands, his body ... I remember the shoes he wore. I was sick. Absolutely Sick with emotion, desire and despair wound together tightly, so tightly, never ever allowed to spring loose, everything had to be controlled, and I couldn't do it, I spilled over. It all came tumbling out. I completely f*cked up, I f*cked it up completely, and now I'll never be the same. Nothing will ever ever take away this sadness.
What simple words.
poster:Susan47
thread:600672
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/601362.html