Posted by daisym on January 19, 2006, at 0:46:36
I've written some really harsh stuff the past week. I had a very bad interaction with my dad last Thursday night that sent me into a tail spin. He was such a jerk and so amazingly crude -- still treating me like a sex object after all these years. Only this time the implications were around what my husband wanted and needed and how I should be giving it to him. Unsolicited advice on my marriage and sex life from a drunk man was not what I needed. Old, old feelings surfaced and I was a suicidal wreck. Months ago in therapy I wrote a letter to myself called "Read This First." It was all the reasons not to take my own life in the midst of a crisis. I pulled it out and wrote a reply to everything I had listed, a counter reason to cut each thread that held me to this life. The only thread that refused to be cut was the promise to my therapist to call him first.
It took a little while but my therapist did push me out of that numb "I'm done" place. He helped me cry and begin to write out the rage. (I felt bad - he called to check on me Friday morning early and I didn't see that I had a message until almost noon. By then he was worried and called my office...) We've spent all week on those writings, reading them out loud, feeling the anger, the outrage and the sadness. They are really scary and yet we keep rereading them. The first time I read it to my therapist he said, "My God, the anguish and anger just radiate off the page." So I apologized for being so graphic and so blunt -- and he said I should do more of that! (Go figure.)
He wants me to work on standing up for myself and my younger parts, because I really wanted to hang up on my dad. I just couldn't. I was frozen, trapped in an old response, feeling 9 years old again. This is the same response that comes over me in certain sexual situations -- I freeze and lose hold of the adult me -- and end up feeling abused again -- or I dissociate completely. I often do this when faced with my husband's anger too. Today we practiced hanging on to the adult more but he said little daisy is going to have to get stronger to stand up for herself when the adult just can't stay in the room. I don't know how to help her do that. She still wants him to rescue her - or more truthfully, she is waiting for her mother to come. He said today he will do everything he can but she has to do the hard work -- he can only support and guide her. But he was very gentle even as he was being firm about what she needed to do to protect herself. The hardest concept for me to believe is that even if it is an accident, anyone hurting you, physically or emotionally, still needs to be told that they are hurting you and that they have to stop. And my therapist said even if you are told it "shouldn't" hurt, if it does, then you can say "no, I don't like that."
It sounds simple. But these are terrifying concepts for all the younger parts of me. I looked at him intently, searching for any wavering, waiting to hear the "except when" part of all of this. But he was so sure that if it was scary, or painful or triggering, that I needed to say "I don't want to" and protect myself from more hurt.
Tomorrow he wants me to bring and read my letter to myself (Read This First) and my responses. He said these suicidal response are in part anger turned inward that we need to look at. He seems to think if I can turn the anger outward, I can use it to help me stand up for myself and my younger parts. And then we can stand up (symbolically) as we explore old memories. Which is a really terrifying concept. I was very glad he said "we" a lot today.
He has been firm and pushy this week. So how come all the younger parts are up and missing him so much tonight?
poster:daisym
thread:600606
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/600606.html