Posted by jammerlich on January 17, 2006, at 22:46:22
In reply to Re: Just a broken record here, posted by Anneke on January 17, 2006, at 22:00:33
Today is her birthday. I'm not "supposed" to know this, but I do. I'm one of those people who google and find whatever I can, and that's one of the things I stumbled across. I don't know why I mention it, other than that because of it I think I've thought of her a little more than usual today.
When we last spoke, she invoked her "good judgment" in relation to my refusal to take AD's. She never knew why I wouldn't, because I could never bring myself to tell her, but her saying that came off as arrogant to me. And of course it implies that my judgment is bad. So now, I'm sitting with the feeling that I'm bad and she's good. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but this is also something that scares me when it comes to the possibility of going back. Is she always going to think she's the expert?
And can I really trust her to say what she thinks? I felt like our last phone call was a dump on Jammer event. But, with the exception of the AD issue, they were things she'd never talked to me about. It's like they were building up for her and she let it get too big and then it exploded all over me. I couldn't come back because if I did, she'd feel like she was enabling me to not get well(not her exact words, but I'm pretty sure that's what she meant). I couldn't come back because I was ambivalent about therapy. I couldn't come back because I wouldn't take AD's. So even if I HAD agreed to take the AD's, the other issues would still have been there. Plus, when I saw her, she suggested getting them from my general practitioner, but when she terminated me, she suddenly insisted that I MUST get them from a pdoc. I don't understand where everything changed so much.
And she talked in euphemisms a lot there at the end, so I don't really know what exactly she expects and I'm concerned confusion could be created in the future. She said, to get better I might have to do things that made me "uncomfortable." Well, at that point, anything that required getting out of bed was uncomfortable. So, I took some time and started getting out of bed, showering and getting out of the house a little, but that wasn't enough for her. I had to work hard to pin her down on the AD's and it didn't seem to me like she wanted to be pinned down. But, my goodness, is it too much to ask to want to know exactly what she expected?? So this "if you ever find yourself in a different place," thing... I don't know what the h*ll that means.
I've been listening a lot to her Christmas message lately and mostly it just makes me sad. The voice is just not the same - not the warm, gentle one I got as her patient. I've moved to the outer circles of her life and I want to be back in the more inner ones. I think I find it so painful because I can't remember at all what she looks like - not her face, at least. I could barely hang onto her face between sessions, so now that I haven't seen her for a year, it's completely gone. But her voice....that I had always been able to keep with me. And now I don't get it anymore. I'm a nobody.
poster:jammerlich
thread:599520
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/600208.html